Surviving the Unimaginable: Stories of Coping with Pregnancy & Infancy Loss

This book has been instrumental to my healing and will remain a valuable resource in supporting me through IVF and hopefully another pregnancy. With her warm voice, firsthand experience and collected knowledge, Pascale Vermont expertly sheds light on a topic that’s too often misinformed and silenced. In her book, Surviving the Unimaginable, Vermont shares stories from bereaved parents, illustrating how they navigate their grief, “re-enter” the living world, discover new strength individually and together as a couple, as well as how parents can learn to forge a new relationship with their baby, who is no longer physically present. My hope is for this book to fall into the hands of every parent who is living without their baby, and for all of their surrounding community, including medical professionals, to embrace it as well.

Sometimes I don’t know how we survived losing our son, and in reading this book I was reminded that we survived by taking many, many small steps. What I found in talking with Pascale and in reading her book was a humane and grounded approach to grieving for a child. Pascale brings together the words of different families who have experienced the death of a child and shows both commonalities in their grief and also unique choices each family has made as they integrated their heartbreak into their lives. I found this really supportive, and it helped me find my own way; I’d recommend this book to any grieving parent as a light to have in a dark time.

Surviving the Unimaginable is a masterpiece and a MUST read for all health care professionals. It is evident Dr. Pascale gracefully and empathetically builds special relationships with each of the families she supports through one of, if not, the most emotionally traumatic experiences of their lives. As a Neonatologist, I appreciate the bravery and courage of the parents and their willingness to share their experiences. This book will forever change how I engage with parents and families of the babies they trust in my care. Dr. Pascale is a deeply compassionate and thoughtful Grief Counselor who clearly is committed to walking with families as they survive the unimaginable.

As a bereaved dad, I wish I read this book earlier to help me grieve better by reading others' experiences around perinatal loss. This book has several many helpful bits to cope with the myriad of thoughts and feelings I was experiencing. I found myself immersed in every section as I read through Pascale's detailed notes and other bereaved parents quotes, several of which resonated strongly with me. I cannot recommend this book enough - it is an amazing healing book and guide for you or anyone you know facing a future without their baby.

This book is a precious resource for every person - parents, family, friends, caregivers - facing perinatal death. After my baby died, learning more about grief helped me. This book will be my companion for continuing to educate people around me about grief in these special circumstances.

As someone who has worked with people who have lost loved ones, I have met many who have lost a pregnancy or an infant. One of the most difficult aspects of it can be a lack of understanding from the outside world. It's easy to give platitudes such as, "your baby is in heaven now" or "you can have another," as if the parents had dropped an ice cream cone. Dr. Vermont has created a guide that is so much more than a guide. In it, one can hear the experiences of 20 couples from the couples themselves as they discuss the loss itself, how they honored their children, etc. These experiences are unified and universalized by Vermont's excellent text. She is always compassionate and never distant. This book is the perfect combination of community and information synthesized from what the parents themselves had to say. If you were to give a grieving couple one book, it should be this one.

When our son Gael was stillborn my partner and I shattered. Our community bound together quickly and tightly attempting to pick up our pieces. As we tried to heal ourselves we felt very loved, but our families were lost and overwrought in trying to provide support, comfort, and some relief from our suffocating pain, while grieving themselves. I'm a researcher by profession and by nature, and I dug into the literature (that my closest family and friends instinctively knew to get me) while I was still giving birth to my dear son. Most books we read on infant and pregnancy loss were well-intentioned, but were either disturbingly bypassing ("your baby was meant to die, it's all for something greater, don't worry"), or provided vague and mostly unhelpful guidance for how to heal stronger as individuals and loved ones, and not just survive. Sadly, this book, Surviving the Unimaginable, was not yet written at the time. Of the many books I read in the hours and week surrounding Gael's stillbirth, the only one I found in any way helpful was Empty Cradle Broken Heart (by Deborah Davis, which I also recommend). To have only one well-researched, actionable, and engaging book with which to endure such a cataclysmic event, one that understandably leads many people and families to fray and fracture irrevocably, feels unfair and like an unconscionable gap in the grief support world. I wish this book existed then so I could have given it to us all for its wisdom, insights, and empathy. It provides a window into the unique pains and experiences of mothers, fathers, grandparents, healthcare professionals, and other important people in the delicate ecosystem of infant death. If you love someone who’s baby has died, its chapters will allow you to better understand and anticipate their staggering journey and provide for needs they don’t even know they have. Thank you Pascale for sharing all that you've learned supporting us heart-crushed parents.

As parents of an angel baby, this book has helped us to channel our emotions through our personal grieving experience. Pascale has helped us to not only navigate through the loss of our baby, but to understand that one’s journey toward healing is unique and has no expiration date. It provides a sense of community when reading about other parents’ grieving process as we often feel we were the only ones in this world who’ve lost a child. We sympathize with each parent’s story because we’ve experienced the same raw emotions of pain, heartache, anxiety, anger, guilt and trauma in our own way. Pascale’s work with bereaving parents shows she is selfless, compassionate, and extremely knowledgeable around such a sensitive and private topic. The title alone “Surviving the Unimaginable” sums up our four year journey of the loss of our baby. Because losing a child is inconceivable, unfathomable and indescribable - unless you’ve experienced it first hand. Each day is all about survival. Thank you Pascale, for your beautiful work and for providing validation, hope, encouragement and your thoughtful ideas to help parents who are struggling through their unimaginable pain. We will forever cherish your book as we continue to grieve for our son and hopefully welcome his new baby brother/sister to Earthside soon!

Reading the stories of others that have experienced loss reassures parents that they aren't alone, and there is no one right way to grieve. Pascale shares not only what couples have found helpful, but what is *unhelpful - that family and providers should avoid. She provides guidance for how to face challenging situations that come up following loss. This book is a great resource for family and friends that want to help but don't know how. So many people do nothing for fear of "saying or doing the wrong thing". This should be required reading for all OB and Neonatal healthcare providers. They are the ones that have to deliver often devastating news and how they go about it can make all the difference.

The individual and couples’ accounts of loss in utero or in the early days of infancy were deeply affecting and stirred memories of my own child’s loss at age 13. I recommend this book to anyone dealing with the unimaginable and heartbreaking loss of a child, no matter when.

This book has been instrumental to my healing and will remain a valuable resource in supporting me through IVF and hopefully another pregnancy. With her warm voice, firsthand experience and collected knowledge, Pascale Vermont expertly sheds light on a topic that’s too often misinformed and silenced. In her book, Surviving the Unimaginable, Vermont shares stories from bereaved parents, illustrating how they navigate their grief, “re-enter” the living world, discover new strength individually and together as a couple, as well as how parents can learn to forge a new relationship with their baby, who is no longer physically present. My hope is for this book to fall into the hands of every parent who is living without their baby, and for all of their surrounding community, including medical professionals, to embrace it as well.

Sometimes I don’t know how we survived losing our son, and in reading this book I was reminded that we survived by taking many, many small steps. What I found in talking with Pascale and in reading her book was a humane and grounded approach to grieving for a child. Pascale brings together the words of different families who have experienced the death of a child and shows both commonalities in their grief and also unique choices each family has made as they integrated their heartbreak into their lives. I found this really supportive, and it helped me find my own way; I’d recommend this book to any grieving parent as a light to have in a dark time.

Surviving the Unimaginable is a masterpiece and a MUST read for all health care professionals. It is evident Dr. Pascale gracefully and empathetically builds special relationships with each of the families she supports through one of, if not, the most emotionally traumatic experiences of their lives. As a Neonatologist, I appreciate the bravery and courage of the parents and their willingness to share their experiences. This book will forever change how I engage with parents and families of the babies they trust in my care. Dr. Pascale is a deeply compassionate and thoughtful Grief Counselor who clearly is committed to walking with families as they survive the unimaginable.

As a bereaved dad, I wish I read this book earlier to help me grieve better by reading others' experiences around perinatal loss. This book has several many helpful bits to cope with the myriad of thoughts and feelings I was experiencing. I found myself immersed in every section as I read through Pascale's detailed notes and other bereaved parents quotes, several of which resonated strongly with me. I cannot recommend this book enough - it is an amazing healing book and guide for you or anyone you know facing a future without their baby.

This book is a precious resource for every person - parents, family, friends, caregivers - facing perinatal death. After my baby died, learning more about grief helped me. This book will be my companion for continuing to educate people around me about grief in these special circumstances.

As someone who has worked with people who have lost loved ones, I have met many who have lost a pregnancy or an infant. One of the most difficult aspects of it can be a lack of understanding from the outside world. It's easy to give platitudes such as, "your baby is in heaven now" or "you can have another," as if the parents had dropped an ice cream cone. Dr. Vermont has created a guide that is so much more than a guide. In it, one can hear the experiences of 20 couples from the couples themselves as they discuss the loss itself, how they honored their children, etc. These experiences are unified and universalized by Vermont's excellent text. She is always compassionate and never distant. This book is the perfect combination of community and information synthesized from what the parents themselves had to say. If you were to give a grieving couple one book, it should be this one.

When our son Gael was stillborn my partner and I shattered. Our community bound together quickly and tightly attempting to pick up our pieces. As we tried to heal ourselves we felt very loved, but our families were lost and overwrought in trying to provide support, comfort, and some relief from our suffocating pain, while grieving themselves. I'm a researcher by profession and by nature, and I dug into the literature (that my closest family and friends instinctively knew to get me) while I was still giving birth to my dear son. Most books we read on infant and pregnancy loss were well-intentioned, but were either disturbingly bypassing ("your baby was meant to die, it's all for something greater, don't worry"), or provided vague and mostly unhelpful guidance for how to heal stronger as individuals and loved ones, and not just survive. Sadly, this book, Surviving the Unimaginable, was not yet written at the time. Of the many books I read in the hours and week surrounding Gael's stillbirth, the only one I found in any way helpful was Empty Cradle Broken Heart (by Deborah Davis, which I also recommend). To have only one well-researched, actionable, and engaging book with which to endure such a cataclysmic event, one that understandably leads many people and families to fray and fracture irrevocably, feels unfair and like an unconscionable gap in the grief support world. I wish this book existed then so I could have given it to us all for its wisdom, insights, and empathy. It provides a window into the unique pains and experiences of mothers, fathers, grandparents, healthcare professionals, and other important people in the delicate ecosystem of infant death. If you love someone who’s baby has died, its chapters will allow you to better understand and anticipate their staggering journey and provide for needs they don’t even know they have. Thank you Pascale for sharing all that you've learned supporting us heart-crushed parents.

As parents of an angel baby, this book has helped us to channel our emotions through our personal grieving experience. Pascale has helped us to not only navigate through the loss of our baby, but to understand that one’s journey toward healing is unique and has no expiration date. It provides a sense of community when reading about other parents’ grieving process as we often feel we were the only ones in this world who’ve lost a child. We sympathize with each parent’s story because we’ve experienced the same raw emotions of pain, heartache, anxiety, anger, guilt and trauma in our own way. Pascale’s work with bereaving parents shows she is selfless, compassionate, and extremely knowledgeable around such a sensitive and private topic. The title alone “Surviving the Unimaginable” sums up our four year journey of the loss of our baby. Because losing a child is inconceivable, unfathomable and indescribable - unless you’ve experienced it first hand. Each day is all about survival. Thank you Pascale, for your beautiful work and for providing validation, hope, encouragement and your thoughtful ideas to help parents who are struggling through their unimaginable pain. We will forever cherish your book as we continue to grieve for our son and hopefully welcome his new baby brother/sister to Earthside soon!

Reading the stories of others that have experienced loss reassures parents that they aren't alone, and there is no one right way to grieve. Pascale shares not only what couples have found helpful, but what is *unhelpful - that family and providers should avoid. She provides guidance for how to face challenging situations that come up following loss. This book is a great resource for family and friends that want to help but don't know how. So many people do nothing for fear of "saying or doing the wrong thing". This should be required reading for all OB and Neonatal healthcare providers. They are the ones that have to deliver often devastating news and how they go about it can make all the difference.

The individual and couples’ accounts of loss in utero or in the early days of infancy were deeply affecting and stirred memories of my own child’s loss at age 13. I recommend this book to anyone dealing with the unimaginable and heartbreaking loss of a child, no matter when.

This book about loss covers a wide variety of topics with stories from bereaved parents, who really are the experts. It will help bereaved parents in addition to their parents, friends, family, and medical workers have a better sense of understanding. It will help answer, "What should I do?" when the bereaved parents do not have energy to explain. I appreciate Dr. Vermont's ability to showcase the spectrum of shock, despair, acceptance and eventually hope, all of which can clash with each other. We did not know how to navigate our daughter's death and something like this would have been helpful during the times we were not with Pascale. Thank you for creating this guide Pascale and for sharing our stories. -Parents of Isla

Surviving the Unimaginable is a glimpse into the grief, thoughts, and emotions that bereaved parents and families experience after the loss of a child during pregnancy or soon after birth. In sharing her years of experience in working with these families, Pascale provides a framework for how to navigate the deep grief that comes from the loss of a child. Powerfully written, using the voices of the parents who have lived through these experiences, it will provide guidance and a path to move forward to a new normal for parents and loved ones. As a loss mother who received counseling from Pascale, I can attest to her methods and depth of experience. I received so much healing through the process of therapy and the insights Pascale has shared in this book. I highly recommend this book to parents, extended family, and loved ones who are looking for guidance during this darkest of times. -Rebecca, mother of John

Part survival guide, part oral history, part love letter to the grieving, Pascale Vermont’s Surviving the Unimaginable, takes the reader on a heady voyage into the deep and barely charted seas of early infancy and pregnancy loss. Dr. Vermont, with the help of richly detailed, intimate interviews with parent survivors, explores the varied experiences of loss and healing that take place. Grieving families and friends will find this an invaluable companion as they struggle with what to expect, what to say, even how to be in the face of great loss. Caregivers and healthcare professionals will also find this book a useful tool in better preparing themselves to serve the survivors.

Pascale Vermont came and sat in my living room after our son was born prematurely and did not survive. If she cannot be transported through time and space to meet every other parent upon whom such trauma is thrust, this book should be - and also to the homes and offices of their caregivers and people who love them. The power in this book is the presentation of firsthand stories within a gentle structure to contain and hold space for them. This reflects the only way to truly learn about grief, which is to experience it firsthand. Knowing the experience of others, and that one's own pain, shock, numbness, and anxiety is normal is the only possible comfort when one's child dies. At that time, reality feels untrustworthy, and well-meaning platitudes can wound more than help. If you are in a position to read this book, I am so sorry, but you are in gentle hands that guided us onto a path of healing.

While there is nothing that can prepare you for this specific type of loss, this book provides a relief from the isolation we feel as grieving parents. In the midst of such deep pain, it can be difficult to find the hope to propel us forward. By reading this book, I was reminded that as permanent as grief may feel, we can be in community through the written word in hearing about how other families have navigated their own losses. I am grateful for the wisdom and counsel that Dr. Vermont encapsulated in this important book.

Pascale has put into words and outlined a path forward for anyone trying to navigate the sudden, unexpected loss of an infant. Her thoughtful writing shows deep respect for the families she’s worked with, and in providing a platform for them to share their stories and experiences, she offers hope and community to those facing this incredible loss. Surviving The Unimaginable also provides context and language for medical personnel working directly with sudden infant death, who may not fully understand the weight and gravity their words and actions carry during this fraught time. This book is a gift to all of those forced to face the unimaginable.

After the loss of our first Daughter, Dr. Pascale Vermont’s in-person grief counseling was always deeply empathetic and focused on guiding us through the many questions and unfamiliar emotions and challenges that we faced. This book only extends her compassionate reach to educate all people involved in the grief and recovery process while allowing for families to hear common stories and emotions from those who have also experienced perinatal loss. She is truly a gift to bereaved parents as her words help navigate them through life and finding their path after such a tragic and unforgiving loss.

“Surviving the Imaginable” is the guide that every newly bereaved parent needs by their side while grieving for the loss of their baby. Pascale’s gentle approach and practical advice from years of experience is the supportive friend you need to help you through the trauma of baby loss. This book thoughtfully covers the many difficult moments in the loss journey from the raw early days, engaging with friends again and returning to work. I often find myself dipping back into the book for advice and support. I am deeply grateful to the families for sharing their stories. At many times, I found myself nodding and exclaiming, “I felt exactly like that, I’m not crazy!”. It provided immense hope to see how they journeyed from pain to a joyful relationship with their babies’ - who constantly inspire them and are always with them.

Anybody, especially a professional, who supports parents and families through this terrible time should read this book. If you have experienced this kind of loss yourself, this book will probably be hard to read in parts, but it will also remind you that you are not alone, and that there are others who have felt parts of what you are feeling. Pascale says in this book "my hope is for you to find some solace and guidance" and I did. I hope you do too.

When we lost our son we didn’t know where to turn for support or guidance. Surviving the Unimaginable offers the thoughtful reflections of other bereaved parents and Vermont’s insights from years of grief counseling, creating an invaluable resource for anyone close to the loss of a child. Reading other couple's intimate stories of navigating this time validated our own experience in a way that we didn't expect, and gave us strength.

I wish someone had given me this book when we lost our son Stanley at 24 weeks almost three years ago. These chapters are full of wise words, anecdotal examples and so many helpful ideas that can still give me comfort. Pascale covers a full range of scenarios and emotions and her book is full of helpful, practical advice that will benefit so many. She has covered almost every eventuality and the accounts included are raw and heartfelt, accurately capturing those shattering feelings of bereavement while still providing hope for those reading them. I nodded along to all the chapters as I read others' stories intermingled with my own and this made me feel less alone in my grief.

In her book, Surviving the Unimaginable, Pascale Vermont, PhD, meets grieving families where they are, takes them by the hand and leads them through the desertscape of unfathomable loss. By compiling their deeply felt experiences, she has gifted the rest of us--nurses, physicians, therapists, clergy, concerned friends and family members--with increased understanding, empathy, insight and wisdom.

Pascale brings awareness and compassion to a topic that is isolating and unknown. Her writing is filled with grace, hope, and honesty. It's a must read for any parent, or anyone who has a loved one, who is navigating life after the loss of their baby. This book is crucial for that first year following the loss, especially if a couple starts to think about trying again for subsequent pregnancy. Reading the interviews from couples who have been through pregnancy or infancy loss creates an intimacy and connection that so many crave while grieving. As a bereaved mother, I found Pascale's words to be relatable and comforting. She holds your hand through the pages as you walk through the unimaginable.

As a bereaved mother and advocate for pregnancy and infant loss, I am grateful to have found this gem of a book. In “Surviving the Unimaginable,” Pascale has woven together raw and honest stories of bereaved couples grieving the death of their babies with practical guidance for navigating this journey of life after loss. We are given the opportunity to deeply connect to a community of other parents who have endured a similar loss, knowing that we are not alone in our grief. Reading these intimate words allows us to find glimmers of hope and healing, comforting us when we need it the most.

As a bereaved mother myself, I found this book extremely helpful. It was both touching and comforting to read about these various experiences: I didn't feel alone anymore in this tragedy. All the details provided by parents going through the same process helped me to connect with them instantly, like when going to support groups. Justyna- little angel Matteo's mother

Dr. Vermont has climbed this mountain of grief over and over with many souls. Much like a sherpa guide, each trip has taught her something unique about this unimaginable journey. Whether you are struggling with your own personal loss or walking alongside someone experiencing deep loss, this book joins you on your journey.