Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

Rarely have I read a book that pushed me back-and-forth between two equally strong sentiments of agreement and disagreement. I cheer the author’s clear shouts of warning to betrayed spouses who take on the responsibility of affair recovery with a cheater who fails to do what’s necessary for genuine healing. But my enthusiasm for that message is dampened by the frequently expressed opinions that cheaters should be dumped, betrayed spouses who want to save their marriage are chumps, and those who encourage relationship recovery (especially marriage counselors) can be lumped together with ambulance chasers. I guess I should say that I'm one of those counselors she writes about, but my focus is specifically on affair healing for individuals and couples. :: Agreements :: > You can’t save your marriage alone. > The affair is not the betrayed spouse’s fault. > Cheaters are self-focused. > Marriage counseling shouldn’t be your first option. > Trust should be earned. > Boundaries are needed. > There is life after infidelity. > There is no obligation to reconcile. :: Disagreements :: > You are a “chump” if you focus on hope for your marriage. From the author: “Asking a marriage counselor if your marriage can be saved is like asking a barber if you need a haircut.” Let me first admit that I am in partial agreement with what the author has to say on this point. Too many counseling services and products promise (for a fee) to help a betrayed spouse save their marriage without the cooperation of the betrayer. And when these methods don’t work, the wounded partner is left to shamefully conclude, “I couldn’t get that right, either,” accepting inappropriate blame. We should probably throw religious leaders into this mix as well. Many well-meaning people are too quick to direct a betrayed spouse into attempts to save their marriage. That is a risk they are not required to make and should not be pressured to do so. But denying hope for a healed marriage is a shift to the opposite extreme. The book leaves very little room for this consideration. In fact, the author wants to push chumps in the opposite direction. She writes, “I’m not here to help you save your marriage after infidelity. I”m here to help you save your sanity and protect yourself.” Here’s the truth: there is hope. I’ve seen healing in marriages, the kind of healing that moves a couple back into connection and trust. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, many couples do not experience this. But marriage healing after an affair is not a foolish hope. The best healing choice for some is to leave their marriage, but that is not only choice for everyone. > Reconciliation is a myth. From the author: “I liken successful reconciliation to a unicorn—a mythical creature that I want to believe in, but that is rarely sighted.” There are many examples of marriages that somehow managed to avoid divorce after infidelity, but fail to experience a genuine return to intimacy. Online forums are filled with stories of people who tried to fix their relationship yet remain disappointed and frustrated. I can understand the tendency to conclude that reconciliation is little more than an empty dream. But couples can and do reconcile in ways that are satisfying to both of them. Some of them are open about their stories, while many remain private about this part of their lives. Every decent affair recovery therapist I know can account for many marriages that are strong despite the devastation of an affair. Reconciliation is not the only outcome, but it is a true one. > Leave no room for grace. From the author: “This is what enforcing a boundary looks like—the cheater decides to commit to the marriage then and there—or you put their crap in Hefty bags and throw it on the lawn for the raccoons.” This book is a great counter to the common tendencies of “chumps” to overlook the severity of the betrayal. Forgiveness and trust can be granted too quickly and easily. But I want to live in a world that values grace and makes room for it. I know it is empowering to embrace justice and agree that many betrayed spouses SHOULD be taking a much stronger stand for their own well-being, but there is a way to balance grace and justice. I believe we are better people when we do. To be clear, I am not suggesting that traumatized spouses should just roll over with an “It’s okay, I still love you attitude.” Real grace will still establish real boundaries. Grace is not the same thing as trust. Some cheaters should never be trusted again, but I would still encourage a consideration of grace, not just pure justice. > Cheaters have one primary motive. From the author: “Why do people cheat? Because they can. It’s that simple. People cheat because they value their autonomy to engage in affairs more than they value your well-being.” No motive justifies betrayal, but it’s not accurate to say that every cheater is driven by the same reason. Every cheater is 100% responsible for their choice and its consequences, but understanding an affair means giving attention to the unique vulnerabilities at play. These vulnerabilities are not reasons or excuses. The unfaithful spouse had a multitude of other choices they could have made, but understanding the various influences at play in a person’s life is necessary for healing, whether or not the marriage survives. Many cheaters did not choose to cheat before, even when there was an opportunity to do so. It's important to gain insight into the vulnerabilities at play so that appropriate changes can be made and necessary boundaries established. Only then can there be a secure return to trustworthiness. Yes, at the core of every affair is selfishness, but cheaters do not all pop out of the same mold. > Cheaters don’t change. From the author: “I believe people cheat because they give themselves permission to cheat—and that’s a matter of character… After suffering my own series of false reconciliations, reading infidelity boards, and running my own blog, I’ve yet to see the grateful, prodigal unicorn.” I doubt the author would claim that a cheater could never change, but it seems clear that she believes it is so rare that it is a near-fantasy. I wonder if her story has attracted like stories. Over 20 years ago, I was a cheater. I am not a cheater now. And I know many other former cheaters who have long years of evidence pointing to their trustworthiness. Some spouses have always been and will always be cheaters. Some spouses cheat once and never cheat again. And some were habitual cheaters who, like addicts, become “sober” in their relationships. Thank God there is hope for us! :: Who will be helped (or hindered) by reading this book? :: There so much I love about this book, but I would not recommend it to someone who has just found out about their spouse’s affair any more than I would recommend a “You Must Save Your Marriage” book. There can be a wise balance. Neither would I recommend the book to someone who leans toward offering a period of grace before making final choices. But I would recommend this book, with the caveats I’ve mentioned in this review, to an injured spouse who fits any of these descriptions: > They blame themselves for the affair, or believe there must be something “wrong” with them. > They assume responsibility for fixing the marriage. > They remain in relationship with an unfaithful spouse who is uncertain, defensive, accusing, or unwilling to take the lead in healing the injury they caused. > They feel hopelessly victimized. > They feel pressured to reconcile when they don’t want to. > They believe the only good outcome is an intact marriage. The author’s empowering message mixed with a good dose of humor would be a welcome relief to anyone who feels trapped and alone. It will help them leave the cheater and reclaim their life.

I bought the book, got delayed at the airport and ended up reading the book in 24 hours. Obsessed is putting it lightly. In 24 hours I went from so sad to so empowered. Not sure how long it will last, but I feel so grateful for my shift after reading this book. My x is a jerk and I didn’t want to see it. I kept thinking something was wrong with me & that I was at fault. This is a reminder that cheaters chest because they want to and that you are way too good for that nonsense. Go read this book NOW if you’re ready for the motivation to leave your idiot ex.

I am an official citizen of Chump Nation. After reading Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life by Tracy Schorn, I am aghast at how easily I fit into the chump category. My experience with a cheater was years ago, and it involved, thank goodness, my fiancé, not my wife. I had been with her about five years when the big deal breaker, the sucker punch from hell, hit me square in the gut. Up to that point, my girl was my sole-mate, my one true love, a love that would last forever. We told each other this for as long as I can remember. My favorite poem was Annabel Lee by Edgar Allen Poe, not because it was dark, but because he expressed his love for Annabel Lee so fervently. Her favorite song was Till by The Angels, because she would love me 'til the tropic sands turned cold....etc. Well, to make a long story short, we went to different colleges, and I entered the service afterward. She stayed on at her school to get her Masters. After about a year of being separated for long periods, I came home on leave for a much needed break. We took up right where we had left off - kissin' and a huggin' - I couldn't get enough of her. Then one day, a friend of mine told me that she had spent the night once with my best friend at his college after a football game between their two schools. I was floored and didn't believe it. If I had been smart, I'd have just filed this information away and confirmed it clandestinely, but, no, I immediately confronted my BFF and asked him if it was true. He said 'yes' she had stayed in his dorm room that night because she didn't have a ride back to her school, but they slept separately and there was no sex. Oh, OK, I thought, makes sense....sort of. I asked my girl about it and she had the same answer, word for word. I fell for it and proceeded as if nothing ever happened. This was my first clue that I was entering Chump Nation. I wanted to believe that nothing happened and forced myself to take a big bite of that excrement sandwich and stay with her. Just before I left for my next duty station, I took her back to her college and on the way stopped at a motel for an overnighter and some hanky-panky. A couple of months later I bought a diamond engagement ring, too expensive for my salary, and asked her to marry me during a brief visit at her school. She readily excepted. This was just one of a series of Ego Kibbles I had been feeding her in my total ignorance. That was the last time I saw her until Spring break when her parents brought her to my town to see their friends and let her and I visit. That night after dinner, she dropped the bomb on me.....she was pregnant. WHAT? I had slept with her once four months prior, and she had told me she was on birth control. I might be stupid, but after that long she should at least have a bump. She had nothing! I knew we would be disappointing our parents with this news and I would have to marry her ASAP. Abortion was out of the question for us. I sadly kissed her goodbye after the visit and asked her to send me the name and number of her doctor since, as the father, I wanted to be in the loop. (At this point, I was beginning to suspect something was not right - she should be showing and she wasn't) She said she would. I waited and waited - no letter with the info. I wrote and asked again for the doctor information.....no response. Finally a letter from her arrived. In it she dropped the mother of all betrayals on me - I wasn't the father. She said she was terribly sorry, and to please write back even if was just to swear at her. One last kibble, please! How long she had been cheating I never knew. I suspect now it was for quite awhile. She was having her cake while I was sweating my butt off for the country. I wondered what I had done to cause her to stray like that, but now I realize it wasn't my fault, she owned it completely. Well, her cake days were now over. She ended up marrying the father, some campus cop I think, then divorced him a few years later. She married again through the years, don't know how many times, and divorced them all. She probably cheated on all of them. She is now a lonely old lady with nobody to look out for her. I, on the other hand, found a wonderful wife, altogether faithful, and we have grown old together and remain in love to this day. Tracy Schorn's book has been very helpful in giving me insight as to what cheaters do and why they do it. They're liars and they're lacking character. I wonder if they have a soul. I got played by one and it wasn't fun, but at least it didn't happen after I was married and had kids - for that I can be thankful!

This book is so good I could not put it down. I have almost the entire thing highlighted and dog eared. If you have been lied to, cheated on and betrayed, likely you are with a narcissist, covert narcissist, sociopath, pathological liar or all the above. I was with one for 7 years. He could have won an academy award performance. What a liar and a cheater he turned out to be! Pathetic! All I can say is, DONT WASTE YOUR MONEY ON THERAPY UNLESS YOU ARE THERE AT ALL TIMES. Even then, your man may still likely try to “flip” things. Even more so, **don’t waste your money on Seeking Integrity in L.A.!!!!** You will definitely be wasting your money there for sure!! They could care less about getting to the truth or hearing your side- they are all about coddling whomever is paying & could care less if they destroy your family in the process! **BUY THIS BOOK INSTEAD**- read it cover to cover, then also join the “chump nation” Facebook support group. You’ll save a ton of money & be VERY glad you did!!!

These days, self-help books are a dime a dozen and so often seem to be filled with myopic, impractical “advice” rife with wishful thinking on the part of their authors, it’s become both shocking and refreshing to run into a self-help book that actually *helps.* It has been a little shy of two years since I read the original self-published version of this book. I read it in the wake of having discovered that my husband had secretly gotten back together with his mistress. He had responded to my discovery of his affair by treating the Other Woman to adultery prom night and posting pictures of their fabulous night out together all over Facebook (where our daughter had access to them). He proceeded to engage in crazy-making abuser behavior (gaslighting), and I began to feel like I was losing my mind. The beauty of *Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life* is that it calls infidelity what it is: *abuse.* Truth-telling has become a dying art in our society and cheaters (and those who sympathize with them) *despise* being told this, but Schorn pulls no punches. “Your cheater had an entire decision tree of options, beginning with difficult conversations, therapy, and divorce lawyers. They didn’t choose those things—they made a *deliberate choice* to f*** other people and lie to you about it” (p. 15, emphasis hers, censorship mine). She continues: "Aside from being humiliating, disrespectful, and comically pathetic—infidelity is abusive. It is psychological abuse. You cannot cheat on someone without lying to and gaslighting them. ('It’s not what you think!' 'You’re crazy!') Throw in some blameshifting and minimization after discovery ('You drove me to it,' 'I don’t see what the big deal is'), and you’ve got quite an assemblage of mindf***ery. "Now factor in cheaters unilaterally risking your health and your family’s home life. Infidelity sounds a lot less jolly after you’ve paternity-tested your children. Or had your feet up in the stirrups for a full STD screening after years of assumed monogamy. Or lost a pregnancy to an undisclosed STD. Or found your children’s college funds spent on sex workers. Or stumbled on evidence that the cheater f***ed someone else in your bed. (p. 16)" There may be complicated reasons for why people turn to infidelity, just as there are often complicated reasons why people engage in other forms of abuse, but that doesn’t change the need to bracket the abuse for what it is and call it wrong. Unfortunately, we live in a world of cheater-pologists who denounce such “black-and-white thinking” on the matter and insist there are good reasons for cheating and both partners must be at fault, just like we live in a world of people who like to ask rape victims what they were wearing. Schorn’s book bravely attempts to shift this paradigm. The other thing that is valuable about this book is that it gives you a clear idea of how to cope. Once I was able to call my husband’s behavior what it was—*abuse*—I was able to follow Schorn’s game plan, the centerpiece of which is “no contact.” Cheaters love triangulation, Schorn explains, and you don’t want to be their hypotenuse. Once I had barred the abusers from my life as much as possible, the healing began. I mentioned in my review of the original self-published book that I thought the book had some flaws; one has been remedied and one is still there. A new and useful section about how to not obsess over the Other Woman (or Other Man) has been added, but the book still lacks a chapter on emotional affairs, which I think the book could have used. Schorn is a Methodist-preacher’s-kid turned Episcopalian, but this book isn’t designed with religion in mind, and some Christians will no doubt be turned off by the ample profanity. The greatest recommendation that I can make for this book is that it actually *helped* me. In the two years since reading the original version, I have finished my master’s degree, started and finished a human resources certificate, transferred to a position that is closer to home and far less stressful, improved my credit, traded in my 2001 beater car with 176K miles on it for a new 2016 Toyota Corolla without any cosigning or financial help from anyone, participated in a theology seminar wherein someone actually paid me to fly out to California and do theology for two weeks (it was amazing), lined up a peer-reviewed article to publish, and had a septorhinoplasty that fixed my crooked nose along with my breathing. I will be very surprised if I do not move on to a better job or a promotion with my current employer within the next year. All this while being a single parent to a disabled older child who is now 10 and a baby who is now 2. In other words, this book is about how to leave a cheater and gain a life. I have successfully left a cheater and gained a life, and I know now that surviving infidelity doesn’t make me pathetic; it makes me *mighty.* Thanks, Tracy.

When I found out my wife had cheated, it was a gut punch that filled my mind with questions and left me wondering what to do next. Was infidelity a one-time thing we could move past? Could I forgive her? Or should I walk away from our 20 year history together? (Hint: if your partner cheated, they already decided your relationship is over, they just didn't tell you.) There are countless books that tell folks what they want to hear while in the despair caused by their partner's infidelity, that there's hope of reconciliation. This is NOT one of those books. There are no promises of reconciliation or getting remorse from the cheater. This book tells the hard truth, the truth you probably don't want to hear but desperately need to, that the cheater played you like a chump and took advantage of your trust. The cheater willingly and unilaterally changed the terms of your committed relationship and took carefully planned steps to conceal their selfish actions. Is that the kind of partner you want? Is a relationship like that ok with you? When I first got this book, everything in it made perfect sense. The way it describes cheaters' behavior exactly matched what I was witnessing in my wife. But as much sense as it made and how abundantly clear it was that the relationship was over based on my wife's actions, I still wasn't ready to let go. She said she blocked the affair partner, was never going to speak to him again, and that she knew without a doubt that she and I were meant to be together forever. It's exactly what my broken heart wanted to hear and I believed it. I even donated this book to Goodwill because I thought I didn't need it anymore (and didn't want to risk her finding it, thus ruining our chance of reconciliation). Fast forward nearly a year later, I find out that she never blocked calls/texts from the affair partner, she never stopped seeing him, and she proceeded to cheat with at least 3 additional men (that I know of), all while professing her commitment and love for me. I got tested for STDs, filed for divorce, and am finally moving on. I had to learn from my own experience, giving my marriage every possible chance, to get peace of mind in trusting that my ex wife is a terrible partner and I'm better off without her. Even being a part time parent (50/50 split) is immensely better than staying with someone who so casually and maliciously betrayed me. Had I just trusted the advice in this book (based on the experiences of thousands of chumps like me), I could have moved on sooner and avoided an extra year of stress and heartache. If you've been cheated on, you're already a chump. Get this book, pay attention to everything it says, and get out of your relationship. Don't prolong your chumpitude with false hope like I did (though you probably will, chumps like us are trusting people). Your relationship is over and the sooner you can accept that, the sooner you can get to the "Gain a Life" part, which is where the real magic, joy, and fulfillment happen.

Heal faster with this book knowing you are not alone and that there are other people out there feeling the way you are feeling. This book will explain to you the emotions and experiences you are going through and will help you understand why you are feeling the way you do and why the other party behaved the way they did. This book will help boost your self-esteem and help you make better decisions in your life. I also loved the author's attitude.

This book is amazing!! It makes you laugh and it makes you think when you are in chaos trying to understand the infidelity of your partner.

I'm a forensic psychologist, not a therapist. Jerks who cheat are one reason I decided not to practice counseling. Unfortuanalty, I caught my husband talking to another woman, a coworker, and then he lied and tried to hide the extent of their involvement. It's like a nuclear bomb going off and incinerating everything in your life. I have spent many sleepless nights sobbing. This is the guy I loved more than anyone, trusted more than anyone, and he gutted me for an ego boost. There I was going on my merry way tiptoeing through the tulips and he grabs me and throws me off a cliff! Now I'm laying at the bottom of the cliff broken and betrayed. I have spent 3 months in counseling and not feeling much better. After only three chapters of this book, I did start to feel better. I have also learned that my husband sounds like a classic cheater. Minimizing, blameshifting, and gaslighting have been his go-to's. I think it's a character flaw; people growing up to thinking it's okay to like and take what they want if they feel they are justified. I recommend this book because it will give you tools in dealing with a manipulative partner and I believe it is important to not blame yourself for someone else's selfish behavior. My counselor was having us read After the Affair. There are some good points to that book as well but mostly it pi$$ed me off because I feel like this wasn't my fault. Don't get me wrong, if you have been a horrible partner then you have some work to do, as well as your cheater, but them cheating is still not your fault. Some people cheat partly because they have been emotionally and physically abandoned by their partner. The book doesn't address that but it will say there is no excuse for cheating, and there isn't. I don't agree with everything she says in this book. I don't believe that everyone who cheats is a narcissist. Narcissism is only about 3% prevalent in the population, yet 60% of people admit to cheating. I also don't think that if you are ambivalent to your cheater's cheating that means you are "shallow." I didn't care as much about my FIRST husband cheating because I didn't love him. I married him because I got pregnant and I was mired down in a religion where I felt I had no control over my own life. I left my religion and the husband and found what I thought was a wonderful man. I chose wrong AGAIN. The book can help with that too, picking better the next time. Probably the best advice the book has is to financially protect yourself with a post nuptial agreement, which I did. My husband gave me everything in the agreement and I can leave for any reason. This made me feel SO much better. Now if my husband talks to another woman again I have a awesome consolation prize...all our money and property. I have to give you a warning that the cheaters in this book are made out to be non-human monsters. I don't think this is the case in every situation. Your partner is a human being (although troubled) and does have feelings. You should NOT be trying to fix this person. Just focus on you. If your partner has cheated once and you want to work it out, get After the Affair in addition to this. If they have done it more than once, RUN, and take this book with you! You should not stick around to be cheated on multiple times! Once is enough justification to leave.

This book was an absolute Godsend in the wake of discovering my husband’s infidelity. It validated my feelings, helped me see some light in the darkest time of my life, and left me with so much hope for the future. Tracy is a magician with words and her authentic, experienced writing will leave you comforted in a way you never dreamed possible. I can’t recommend this book enough.

Rarely have I read a book that pushed me back-and-forth between two equally strong sentiments of agreement and disagreement. I cheer the author’s clear shouts of warning to betrayed spouses who take on the responsibility of affair recovery with a cheater who fails to do what’s necessary for genuine healing. But my enthusiasm for that message is dampened by the frequently expressed opinions that cheaters should be dumped, betrayed spouses who want to save their marriage are chumps, and those who encourage relationship recovery (especially marriage counselors) can be lumped together with ambulance chasers. I guess I should say that I'm one of those counselors she writes about, but my focus is specifically on affair healing for individuals and couples. :: Agreements :: > You can’t save your marriage alone. > The affair is not the betrayed spouse’s fault. > Cheaters are self-focused. > Marriage counseling shouldn’t be your first option. > Trust should be earned. > Boundaries are needed. > There is life after infidelity. > There is no obligation to reconcile. :: Disagreements :: > You are a “chump” if you focus on hope for your marriage. From the author: “Asking a marriage counselor if your marriage can be saved is like asking a barber if you need a haircut.” Let me first admit that I am in partial agreement with what the author has to say on this point. Too many counseling services and products promise (for a fee) to help a betrayed spouse save their marriage without the cooperation of the betrayer. And when these methods don’t work, the wounded partner is left to shamefully conclude, “I couldn’t get that right, either,” accepting inappropriate blame. We should probably throw religious leaders into this mix as well. Many well-meaning people are too quick to direct a betrayed spouse into attempts to save their marriage. That is a risk they are not required to make and should not be pressured to do so. But denying hope for a healed marriage is a shift to the opposite extreme. The book leaves very little room for this consideration. In fact, the author wants to push chumps in the opposite direction. She writes, “I’m not here to help you save your marriage after infidelity. I”m here to help you save your sanity and protect yourself.” Here’s the truth: there is hope. I’ve seen healing in marriages, the kind of healing that moves a couple back into connection and trust. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, many couples do not experience this. But marriage healing after an affair is not a foolish hope. The best healing choice for some is to leave their marriage, but that is not only choice for everyone. > Reconciliation is a myth. From the author: “I liken successful reconciliation to a unicorn—a mythical creature that I want to believe in, but that is rarely sighted.” There are many examples of marriages that somehow managed to avoid divorce after infidelity, but fail to experience a genuine return to intimacy. Online forums are filled with stories of people who tried to fix their relationship yet remain disappointed and frustrated. I can understand the tendency to conclude that reconciliation is little more than an empty dream. But couples can and do reconcile in ways that are satisfying to both of them. Some of them are open about their stories, while many remain private about this part of their lives. Every decent affair recovery therapist I know can account for many marriages that are strong despite the devastation of an affair. Reconciliation is not the only outcome, but it is a true one. > Leave no room for grace. From the author: “This is what enforcing a boundary looks like—the cheater decides to commit to the marriage then and there—or you put their crap in Hefty bags and throw it on the lawn for the raccoons.” This book is a great counter to the common tendencies of “chumps” to overlook the severity of the betrayal. Forgiveness and trust can be granted too quickly and easily. But I want to live in a world that values grace and makes room for it. I know it is empowering to embrace justice and agree that many betrayed spouses SHOULD be taking a much stronger stand for their own well-being, but there is a way to balance grace and justice. I believe we are better people when we do. To be clear, I am not suggesting that traumatized spouses should just roll over with an “It’s okay, I still love you attitude.” Real grace will still establish real boundaries. Grace is not the same thing as trust. Some cheaters should never be trusted again, but I would still encourage a consideration of grace, not just pure justice. > Cheaters have one primary motive. From the author: “Why do people cheat? Because they can. It’s that simple. People cheat because they value their autonomy to engage in affairs more than they value your well-being.” No motive justifies betrayal, but it’s not accurate to say that every cheater is driven by the same reason. Every cheater is 100% responsible for their choice and its consequences, but understanding an affair means giving attention to the unique vulnerabilities at play. These vulnerabilities are not reasons or excuses. The unfaithful spouse had a multitude of other choices they could have made, but understanding the various influences at play in a person’s life is necessary for healing, whether or not the marriage survives. Many cheaters did not choose to cheat before, even when there was an opportunity to do so. It's important to gain insight into the vulnerabilities at play so that appropriate changes can be made and necessary boundaries established. Only then can there be a secure return to trustworthiness. Yes, at the core of every affair is selfishness, but cheaters do not all pop out of the same mold. > Cheaters don’t change. From the author: “I believe people cheat because they give themselves permission to cheat—and that’s a matter of character… After suffering my own series of false reconciliations, reading infidelity boards, and running my own blog, I’ve yet to see the grateful, prodigal unicorn.” I doubt the author would claim that a cheater could never change, but it seems clear that she believes it is so rare that it is a near-fantasy. I wonder if her story has attracted like stories. Over 20 years ago, I was a cheater. I am not a cheater now. And I know many other former cheaters who have long years of evidence pointing to their trustworthiness. Some spouses have always been and will always be cheaters. Some spouses cheat once and never cheat again. And some were habitual cheaters who, like addicts, become “sober” in their relationships. Thank God there is hope for us! :: Who will be helped (or hindered) by reading this book? :: There so much I love about this book, but I would not recommend it to someone who has just found out about their spouse’s affair any more than I would recommend a “You Must Save Your Marriage” book. There can be a wise balance. Neither would I recommend the book to someone who leans toward offering a period of grace before making final choices. But I would recommend this book, with the caveats I’ve mentioned in this review, to an injured spouse who fits any of these descriptions: > They blame themselves for the affair, or believe there must be something “wrong” with them. > They assume responsibility for fixing the marriage. > They remain in relationship with an unfaithful spouse who is uncertain, defensive, accusing, or unwilling to take the lead in healing the injury they caused. > They feel hopelessly victimized. > They feel pressured to reconcile when they don’t want to. > They believe the only good outcome is an intact marriage. The author’s empowering message mixed with a good dose of humor would be a welcome relief to anyone who feels trapped and alone. It will help them leave the cheater and reclaim their life.

I bought the book, got delayed at the airport and ended up reading the book in 24 hours. Obsessed is putting it lightly. In 24 hours I went from so sad to so empowered. Not sure how long it will last, but I feel so grateful for my shift after reading this book. My x is a jerk and I didn’t want to see it. I kept thinking something was wrong with me & that I was at fault. This is a reminder that cheaters chest because they want to and that you are way too good for that nonsense. Go read this book NOW if you’re ready for the motivation to leave your idiot ex.

I am an official citizen of Chump Nation. After reading Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life by Tracy Schorn, I am aghast at how easily I fit into the chump category. My experience with a cheater was years ago, and it involved, thank goodness, my fiancé, not my wife. I had been with her about five years when the big deal breaker, the sucker punch from hell, hit me square in the gut. Up to that point, my girl was my sole-mate, my one true love, a love that would last forever. We told each other this for as long as I can remember. My favorite poem was Annabel Lee by Edgar Allen Poe, not because it was dark, but because he expressed his love for Annabel Lee so fervently. Her favorite song was Till by The Angels, because she would love me 'til the tropic sands turned cold....etc. Well, to make a long story short, we went to different colleges, and I entered the service afterward. She stayed on at her school to get her Masters. After about a year of being separated for long periods, I came home on leave for a much needed break. We took up right where we had left off - kissin' and a huggin' - I couldn't get enough of her. Then one day, a friend of mine told me that she had spent the night once with my best friend at his college after a football game between their two schools. I was floored and didn't believe it. If I had been smart, I'd have just filed this information away and confirmed it clandestinely, but, no, I immediately confronted my BFF and asked him if it was true. He said 'yes' she had stayed in his dorm room that night because she didn't have a ride back to her school, but they slept separately and there was no sex. Oh, OK, I thought, makes sense....sort of. I asked my girl about it and she had the same answer, word for word. I fell for it and proceeded as if nothing ever happened. This was my first clue that I was entering Chump Nation. I wanted to believe that nothing happened and forced myself to take a big bite of that excrement sandwich and stay with her. Just before I left for my next duty station, I took her back to her college and on the way stopped at a motel for an overnighter and some hanky-panky. A couple of months later I bought a diamond engagement ring, too expensive for my salary, and asked her to marry me during a brief visit at her school. She readily excepted. This was just one of a series of Ego Kibbles I had been feeding her in my total ignorance. That was the last time I saw her until Spring break when her parents brought her to my town to see their friends and let her and I visit. That night after dinner, she dropped the bomb on me.....she was pregnant. WHAT? I had slept with her once four months prior, and she had told me she was on birth control. I might be stupid, but after that long she should at least have a bump. She had nothing! I knew we would be disappointing our parents with this news and I would have to marry her ASAP. Abortion was out of the question for us. I sadly kissed her goodbye after the visit and asked her to send me the name and number of her doctor since, as the father, I wanted to be in the loop. (At this point, I was beginning to suspect something was not right - she should be showing and she wasn't) She said she would. I waited and waited - no letter with the info. I wrote and asked again for the doctor information.....no response. Finally a letter from her arrived. In it she dropped the mother of all betrayals on me - I wasn't the father. She said she was terribly sorry, and to please write back even if was just to swear at her. One last kibble, please! How long she had been cheating I never knew. I suspect now it was for quite awhile. She was having her cake while I was sweating my butt off for the country. I wondered what I had done to cause her to stray like that, but now I realize it wasn't my fault, she owned it completely. Well, her cake days were now over. She ended up marrying the father, some campus cop I think, then divorced him a few years later. She married again through the years, don't know how many times, and divorced them all. She probably cheated on all of them. She is now a lonely old lady with nobody to look out for her. I, on the other hand, found a wonderful wife, altogether faithful, and we have grown old together and remain in love to this day. Tracy Schorn's book has been very helpful in giving me insight as to what cheaters do and why they do it. They're liars and they're lacking character. I wonder if they have a soul. I got played by one and it wasn't fun, but at least it didn't happen after I was married and had kids - for that I can be thankful!

This book is so good I could not put it down. I have almost the entire thing highlighted and dog eared. If you have been lied to, cheated on and betrayed, likely you are with a narcissist, covert narcissist, sociopath, pathological liar or all the above. I was with one for 7 years. He could have won an academy award performance. What a liar and a cheater he turned out to be! Pathetic! All I can say is, DONT WASTE YOUR MONEY ON THERAPY UNLESS YOU ARE THERE AT ALL TIMES. Even then, your man may still likely try to “flip” things. Even more so, **don’t waste your money on Seeking Integrity in L.A.!!!!** You will definitely be wasting your money there for sure!! They could care less about getting to the truth or hearing your side- they are all about coddling whomever is paying & could care less if they destroy your family in the process! **BUY THIS BOOK INSTEAD**- read it cover to cover, then also join the “chump nation” Facebook support group. You’ll save a ton of money & be VERY glad you did!!!

These days, self-help books are a dime a dozen and so often seem to be filled with myopic, impractical “advice” rife with wishful thinking on the part of their authors, it’s become both shocking and refreshing to run into a self-help book that actually *helps.* It has been a little shy of two years since I read the original self-published version of this book. I read it in the wake of having discovered that my husband had secretly gotten back together with his mistress. He had responded to my discovery of his affair by treating the Other Woman to adultery prom night and posting pictures of their fabulous night out together all over Facebook (where our daughter had access to them). He proceeded to engage in crazy-making abuser behavior (gaslighting), and I began to feel like I was losing my mind. The beauty of *Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life* is that it calls infidelity what it is: *abuse.* Truth-telling has become a dying art in our society and cheaters (and those who sympathize with them) *despise* being told this, but Schorn pulls no punches. “Your cheater had an entire decision tree of options, beginning with difficult conversations, therapy, and divorce lawyers. They didn’t choose those things—they made a *deliberate choice* to f*** other people and lie to you about it” (p. 15, emphasis hers, censorship mine). She continues: "Aside from being humiliating, disrespectful, and comically pathetic—infidelity is abusive. It is psychological abuse. You cannot cheat on someone without lying to and gaslighting them. ('It’s not what you think!' 'You’re crazy!') Throw in some blameshifting and minimization after discovery ('You drove me to it,' 'I don’t see what the big deal is'), and you’ve got quite an assemblage of mindf***ery. "Now factor in cheaters unilaterally risking your health and your family’s home life. Infidelity sounds a lot less jolly after you’ve paternity-tested your children. Or had your feet up in the stirrups for a full STD screening after years of assumed monogamy. Or lost a pregnancy to an undisclosed STD. Or found your children’s college funds spent on sex workers. Or stumbled on evidence that the cheater f***ed someone else in your bed. (p. 16)" There may be complicated reasons for why people turn to infidelity, just as there are often complicated reasons why people engage in other forms of abuse, but that doesn’t change the need to bracket the abuse for what it is and call it wrong. Unfortunately, we live in a world of cheater-pologists who denounce such “black-and-white thinking” on the matter and insist there are good reasons for cheating and both partners must be at fault, just like we live in a world of people who like to ask rape victims what they were wearing. Schorn’s book bravely attempts to shift this paradigm. The other thing that is valuable about this book is that it gives you a clear idea of how to cope. Once I was able to call my husband’s behavior what it was—*abuse*—I was able to follow Schorn’s game plan, the centerpiece of which is “no contact.” Cheaters love triangulation, Schorn explains, and you don’t want to be their hypotenuse. Once I had barred the abusers from my life as much as possible, the healing began. I mentioned in my review of the original self-published book that I thought the book had some flaws; one has been remedied and one is still there. A new and useful section about how to not obsess over the Other Woman (or Other Man) has been added, but the book still lacks a chapter on emotional affairs, which I think the book could have used. Schorn is a Methodist-preacher’s-kid turned Episcopalian, but this book isn’t designed with religion in mind, and some Christians will no doubt be turned off by the ample profanity. The greatest recommendation that I can make for this book is that it actually *helped* me. In the two years since reading the original version, I have finished my master’s degree, started and finished a human resources certificate, transferred to a position that is closer to home and far less stressful, improved my credit, traded in my 2001 beater car with 176K miles on it for a new 2016 Toyota Corolla without any cosigning or financial help from anyone, participated in a theology seminar wherein someone actually paid me to fly out to California and do theology for two weeks (it was amazing), lined up a peer-reviewed article to publish, and had a septorhinoplasty that fixed my crooked nose along with my breathing. I will be very surprised if I do not move on to a better job or a promotion with my current employer within the next year. All this while being a single parent to a disabled older child who is now 10 and a baby who is now 2. In other words, this book is about how to leave a cheater and gain a life. I have successfully left a cheater and gained a life, and I know now that surviving infidelity doesn’t make me pathetic; it makes me *mighty.* Thanks, Tracy.

When I found out my wife had cheated, it was a gut punch that filled my mind with questions and left me wondering what to do next. Was infidelity a one-time thing we could move past? Could I forgive her? Or should I walk away from our 20 year history together? (Hint: if your partner cheated, they already decided your relationship is over, they just didn't tell you.) There are countless books that tell folks what they want to hear while in the despair caused by their partner's infidelity, that there's hope of reconciliation. This is NOT one of those books. There are no promises of reconciliation or getting remorse from the cheater. This book tells the hard truth, the truth you probably don't want to hear but desperately need to, that the cheater played you like a chump and took advantage of your trust. The cheater willingly and unilaterally changed the terms of your committed relationship and took carefully planned steps to conceal their selfish actions. Is that the kind of partner you want? Is a relationship like that ok with you? When I first got this book, everything in it made perfect sense. The way it describes cheaters' behavior exactly matched what I was witnessing in my wife. But as much sense as it made and how abundantly clear it was that the relationship was over based on my wife's actions, I still wasn't ready to let go. She said she blocked the affair partner, was never going to speak to him again, and that she knew without a doubt that she and I were meant to be together forever. It's exactly what my broken heart wanted to hear and I believed it. I even donated this book to Goodwill because I thought I didn't need it anymore (and didn't want to risk her finding it, thus ruining our chance of reconciliation). Fast forward nearly a year later, I find out that she never blocked calls/texts from the affair partner, she never stopped seeing him, and she proceeded to cheat with at least 3 additional men (that I know of), all while professing her commitment and love for me. I got tested for STDs, filed for divorce, and am finally moving on. I had to learn from my own experience, giving my marriage every possible chance, to get peace of mind in trusting that my ex wife is a terrible partner and I'm better off without her. Even being a part time parent (50/50 split) is immensely better than staying with someone who so casually and maliciously betrayed me. Had I just trusted the advice in this book (based on the experiences of thousands of chumps like me), I could have moved on sooner and avoided an extra year of stress and heartache. If you've been cheated on, you're already a chump. Get this book, pay attention to everything it says, and get out of your relationship. Don't prolong your chumpitude with false hope like I did (though you probably will, chumps like us are trusting people). Your relationship is over and the sooner you can accept that, the sooner you can get to the "Gain a Life" part, which is where the real magic, joy, and fulfillment happen.

Heal faster with this book knowing you are not alone and that there are other people out there feeling the way you are feeling. This book will explain to you the emotions and experiences you are going through and will help you understand why you are feeling the way you do and why the other party behaved the way they did. This book will help boost your self-esteem and help you make better decisions in your life. I also loved the author's attitude.

This book is amazing!! It makes you laugh and it makes you think when you are in chaos trying to understand the infidelity of your partner.

I'm a forensic psychologist, not a therapist. Jerks who cheat are one reason I decided not to practice counseling. Unfortuanalty, I caught my husband talking to another woman, a coworker, and then he lied and tried to hide the extent of their involvement. It's like a nuclear bomb going off and incinerating everything in your life. I have spent many sleepless nights sobbing. This is the guy I loved more than anyone, trusted more than anyone, and he gutted me for an ego boost. There I was going on my merry way tiptoeing through the tulips and he grabs me and throws me off a cliff! Now I'm laying at the bottom of the cliff broken and betrayed. I have spent 3 months in counseling and not feeling much better. After only three chapters of this book, I did start to feel better. I have also learned that my husband sounds like a classic cheater. Minimizing, blameshifting, and gaslighting have been his go-to's. I think it's a character flaw; people growing up to thinking it's okay to like and take what they want if they feel they are justified. I recommend this book because it will give you tools in dealing with a manipulative partner and I believe it is important to not blame yourself for someone else's selfish behavior. My counselor was having us read After the Affair. There are some good points to that book as well but mostly it pi$$ed me off because I feel like this wasn't my fault. Don't get me wrong, if you have been a horrible partner then you have some work to do, as well as your cheater, but them cheating is still not your fault. Some people cheat partly because they have been emotionally and physically abandoned by their partner. The book doesn't address that but it will say there is no excuse for cheating, and there isn't. I don't agree with everything she says in this book. I don't believe that everyone who cheats is a narcissist. Narcissism is only about 3% prevalent in the population, yet 60% of people admit to cheating. I also don't think that if you are ambivalent to your cheater's cheating that means you are "shallow." I didn't care as much about my FIRST husband cheating because I didn't love him. I married him because I got pregnant and I was mired down in a religion where I felt I had no control over my own life. I left my religion and the husband and found what I thought was a wonderful man. I chose wrong AGAIN. The book can help with that too, picking better the next time. Probably the best advice the book has is to financially protect yourself with a post nuptial agreement, which I did. My husband gave me everything in the agreement and I can leave for any reason. This made me feel SO much better. Now if my husband talks to another woman again I have a awesome consolation prize...all our money and property. I have to give you a warning that the cheaters in this book are made out to be non-human monsters. I don't think this is the case in every situation. Your partner is a human being (although troubled) and does have feelings. You should NOT be trying to fix this person. Just focus on you. If your partner has cheated once and you want to work it out, get After the Affair in addition to this. If they have done it more than once, RUN, and take this book with you! You should not stick around to be cheated on multiple times! Once is enough justification to leave.

This book was an absolute Godsend in the wake of discovering my husband’s infidelity. It validated my feelings, helped me see some light in the darkest time of my life, and left me with so much hope for the future. Tracy is a magician with words and her authentic, experienced writing will leave you comforted in a way you never dreamed possible. I can’t recommend this book enough.

If you are reading reviews, just go ahead and purchase this book! You won't regret it. It's the one thing I have read that made me feel not crazy at all, after years of gaslighting, and it helped me to see my partner is not a unicorn and isn't changing. The humor is spot on, and I love the author's tone, even when it's the tough love I don't want but know I need. I will be eternally grateful for her guidance. This book gives me the strength to keep going (yes, "gives" in the present tense, because I am constantly rereading sections). I probably have 97% of the Kindle version highlighted, because everything resonates.

This was the best book I ever read on infidelity. I wished I had read it 20 years ago when my life was destroyed. I have rebuilt and moved on but always hoped that ‘one day he will explain; one day he will say sorry; one day he will say thank you that I raised the kids so well.’ I have seen therapists, I have forgiven a million times, I have prayed for him and his new wives. (Yup). The amount of time I’ve spent on this man. Thank you chump lady. Your book is amazing. Meh.

Finding out the love of your life has committed the ultimate betrayal is devastating but even more damaging can be the resources offered to us “Chumps” during the aftermath of DDay. I can’t tell you how many books, websites and YouTube videos I devoured trying to figure out how to save our marriage. My advice as a DDay survivor? Save yourselves the trouble. You can’t make someone feel regret. You can’t change someone else’s behavior. And you certainly can’t fix your marriage by yourself! I spent so much time trying to improve myself to make him want to be with me that it didn’t dawn on me until much later that he was the one that did the most damage but hadn’t lifted one finger to make any changes for himself or us. All those other books and videos did was extend my time in Limbo Land. This book tells it like it is. There was something about his cheating that I just couldn’t put my finger on and the author finally answered for me. Entitlement! That’s exactly it. Even when he was busted with the evidence in his face he still flipped the cheating back onto me and now I understand why his response lacked responsibility. He felt entitled to cheat! Plain and simple. There was nothing more complex than that. It wasn’t that he had lacked a proper parental role model, was suffering from Casanova Syndrome or had stumbled into a midlife crisis. He felt entitled to do what he did and he was pushing the responsibility back onto me. As the author points out, if the person is stuck in entitlement phase, your chances for reconciliation are non-existent. It doesn’t matter how many self-improvements you do, affair-proof/marriage-building books you read or how many shysters tell you yes, you can win your spouse’s heart back through these 15 steps which you’ll receive after you enter your credit card number here. If the cheater feels that what they did wasn’t wrong or at least, less wrong than you’re making it to be, you’re done. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. It’s not worth the heartache and disappointment. And ask yourself this, would you really want someone like that back? A lot of these sites impress upon you that divorce is too prevalent these days and that no one takes enough accountability for their relationships to work on things before they call the family law attorney. While that is true it leaves out the other disturbing trend in relationships these days. Too often people choose to lie and cheat instead of either attempting to fix their relationship or end it respectfully before deciding to take the easy and deceptive route of betrayal. Both the book and the Chump Lady website help you see the reality of what’s really happened. You had a relationship. Your partner cheated on you with someone with less values and morals than you. They are either genuinely sorry for what they have done and want to save your relationship or they don’t. Don’t let them have their cake, keeping you in eternal limbo status. Don’t let them place any of the blame on you. Slap yourself a few times. Dump some cold water on yourself if you have to. Then give yourself what your partner obviously cannot. A blissful and authentic life.

I read her blog every morning when I wake up before work. It's a book that really helps when your in that place of deciding if your gut is right or wrong about staying with someone in a relationship who has betrayed you in one or many ways. This book is a companion book to what chumplady com is about. Having a support blog, daily articles, and daily reminder that you can stay strong and let go of a relationship that didn't serve you well. Her blog and book are the first ones that resonated with me and helped me feel better. So that's saying a lot! It's now a way of life.

This book is brilliantly written and kicks the lid cleanly off of and stomps on all the worn-out, shame, fear, and self-blaming wives commonly feel after learning about their husbands infidelity. It was like finding water in a desert. After 26 years of marriage to that “great guy” the “nice doctor “ beloved by the entire city- my world came crashing down in a split second when I learned about his multiple affairs through the decades. After the classic months of self-blaming, reading every book on infidelity and forgiveness and buying into the “better together“ and “ he said he’s sorry” mantras I added “Leave A Cheater Gain A Life” to my long list of forgiveness and healing books as I endured his shallow apologies and tried to live my normal life in this new abnormal marriage with the foundation cracked. Then I opened “Leave A Cheater Gain A Life” and I smiled, then I laughed a real laugh - the first one in more than a year - I read and read and laughed and said “ oh yes..,” out loud - the lights were now on- no more waking up with that fear clenched fist in my chest - no more living a 1/2 life. Thank you for writing this book - you clearly define how to be kind but not a weakling, how to be strong without being a tough broad, how to use your intellect and humor and start seeing Really seeing what a cheater is rather than just looking for the marriage you thought you had. My 26 years of marriage were under a veil of fraud - but 50% of the marriage was real and authentic full of loyalty and honesty and trust - that was MY 50%. His 1/2 was zero- he had countless affairs I never never never suspected. Time now for me to live in a 100% authentic life - time to laugh again - it’s my time now.

This book is a really great read for a person going through this situation. It is a no holds barred book that reinforces that we are not in control of other people's actions and choices. I highly recommended this book if you are in this situation.

If you take away anything from this book, know that infidelity is full on abuse, just like your gut tells you it is. Tracy does an outstanding job of walking you through the hurt and pain, with humor and a new sense of control over your life. You come to find out it’s a community with way too many members, so undeserving of the abuse they all sustained. I’ve read over 50 books on the subject of infidelity, none have been more empowering and helpful then ‘Leave a cheater, gain a life’ has been. I very highly recommend it to anyone dealing with a cheater. The writing is brilliant, humorous and feels like a really good friend walking you through the darkness with strength and agency. I’ve read the book three times and given it as gifts many times, even buying copies to leave in random spots with the hopes of reaching someone that truly needs it. Read the book, there is not another like it! Also, come on over to Chump Nation online where Tracy posts daily and the community of “ chumps” comment. It’s way better than therapy. It has been my greatest help after a divorce from a serial cheater after 38 years of marriage.

This book kept me from having so much unnecessary suffering. I've bought it for 3 friends too. Dump him and move on with a fabulous life!

This book is amazing at helping deal with the fallout from being cheated on. I recommend it to anyone dealing with infidelity in a relationship, or the aftermath of it. It's wonderfully written.

This book is spot on and hilarious. I was already on my way out when I happened upon someone leaving a comment to the chump lady site. I couldn’t put this book down and it is so accurate on what I experienced —- it was uncanny. Great advice that should be followed!

After my wife slept with a married man for two years I needed this book. It put so much into clarity. Emotionally I was devastated but the book helps you see the lies and deceit, gaslighting and manipulation that you went through and makes the past viewed with much more clarity. It helped me understand what happened and who my stbx really is. I strongly suggest this book even if you are reconciling. It’s a must read asap when infidelity occurs in a relationship.

After 28 years together and three kids, my husband cheated on me with our neighbor and she is pregnant. I have been gas lighted, manipulated and blamed for the entire affair. I filed for divorce, moved out and been in therapy for the last 18 months. This book helped me more in a few hours of reading than any other help that has been made available to me. I recognized my husband in every chapter. I have never laughed so hard and cried at the same time. I wish I would have found this book sooner but it was the pep talk I needed. Thank you!

If you even THINK you should check your partners phone for suspicious activity, you're probably already 3 months too late. READ THIS BOOK!!! It speaks the truth about the your situation, things you should avoid doing, ways to protect yourself, believe in yourself, and be true to yourself. This book gives excellent examples of how the cheating partner thinks and why we, as chumps, react the way we do. Don't be humiliated by the pick me dance!! Pick yourself!! READ THIS BOOK!! Even if the offending behavior is not cheating, this book is worth the read to be aware of such behavior and HOW YOU REACT to it. Trust me. You'll thank me.

Reaffirmed all my judgements and sentiments about the person who deceived and betrayed me. This book is a must read for anyone and everyone going through a similar situation; funny, insightful, and not cluttered with clinical analysis. Also beneficial for anyone and everyone who has dealt with narcissistic and manipulative personalities.

“Leave a cheater, gain a life” If you find that the person you devoted your life to has betrayed you completely, thrown away your family and risked your health in the process, they’ve shown you who they are. People only change if they want to. The only person you control is you, so you have to protect yourself and get out. Simple, right? Only it’s not so simple if you love with your whole heart. Chumps like us try oh-so-hard to fix things. We tie ourselves in knots attempting to figure out what went wrong. We want to keep trying. We’ll devote ourselves to therapy, and weight loss, and new clothes, and whatever our cheater wants, just to keep things together. Meanwhile, our cheater revels in the attention and continues to cheat, and we continue to suffer. This book (written by a person who sees the same scenario played out over and over and over again in the email she receives and on her blog) gives the Chump the strength he or she must have in order to do the one thing that is the simplest and yet the most difficult thing they’ll ever do: walk away. None of us want to walk away from something we fought so hard for, but there’s really no other choice. When you find the strength to save yourself, it doesn’t make you bitter. It makes you a realist. And you give yourself a fighting chance to have a better life. But sometimes you need some back-up, some reassurance that you’re doing the right thing. That’s where this book comes in. Tracy cuts through the BS and gets to the heart of things. When you read it (at least, when I did), something just clicks in your brain and you realize that this is the way. It just makes sense. This book and Tracy’s blog saved me. If you find yourself involved with a cheater, I urge you to get this book.

If you have ever been cheated on, you MUST listen to this book. I laughed, I cried, but most importantly, I gained and maintained enough confidence in myself to finally follow through with divorcing my serial cheater husband. Every excuse they have ever used, every time they made you feel guilty, crazy or unworthy of love....this book talks about it in a very matter of fact way...I will be sharing this with EVERY woman I know that has been cheated on. SO GOOD!!

Don't wait until you NEED this book. Teaches great communication skills that will benefit any relationship.

I'm sorry if you have been cheated on but I'm here to tell you that this book will save your sanity. Buy it now. How do I know? Because I was cheated on and I read just about every other book about cheaters and infidelity that I could get my hands on and this book, hands down (pardon the pun) is the best. It doesn't pull any punches, but it's going to help you heal. It will give you the clear level headed advice you need to read in the aftermath of infidelity. Tracy Schorn wants to help you out of this wreckage but to do that you have to walk away from the idea that you are to blame for your partner's infidelity (something a lot of other books on infidelity want you to consider) and make a grand exit leaving your cheater in the dust. I get it, you love your wife/husband but the ugly question is this: Would someone who loves you do this to you? Hurt you like this? Expose you to STDs? Gut you? Think on that.... The only person in a "fog" after an affair is you, the betrayed partner. This book will wake you up and help you to make a clear decision. Packed solid with great advice and wisdom from hard won experience, therapists and lay-people alike need to buy this book and line it up right beside the PhD's who want to "explore" the reasons for cheating. Tracy lays the blame on the cheater and pulls no punches. Read it. Consider it. Do it. You won't be disappointed by this read and it will open your eyes to the path to freedom and well-being that is leaving your cheater and building a better life.

After discovering my wife's multiple affairs, I read several books on infidelity, including After the Affair, The State of Affairs, Not Just Friends, etc. I tried fruitlessly to "understand" her and to reconcile with her. I saw a therapist, but my wife declined couple's counseling and refused to come clean. After three months of wasting my time, I decided to divorce her, thereby ending our thirty years of marriage, but was left wondering what went wrong. I found out about "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life," from a two star review for "The State of Affairs," a book that tries to shed light on all sides of affairs, but gives the betrayed little satisfaction. Leave a Cheater is, by far, the best book I have read for the chump. It is entertaining and well-written. I could not put it down. Schorn is insightful and seemed to describe my situation as though she were in my shoes. She is not a psychologist, but seems to have a PhD in the school of hard knocks. She is therefore not hampered, as psychologists tend to be, by a need to be open-minded, non-judgemental and respectful of all sides of an affair. This book is empowering and will help you see your cheater for who they are, not who you hope they are, and help you get on with your life without them. Schorn guides you through your crisis with humor and practical advice. Her book is a "must read" for anyone who has been betrayed by a cheater.

If you've had the unfortunate experience of needing this book- it should be a mandatory read. Why didn't I find this book a year ago? Well, because I was too busy ordering every book on Amazon I could find .... Doing the pick me dance..... Trying to explain to myself and everyone else how is childhood regection was really to blame. Pathetic ... I started DivorceCare and the first few weeks it was just 3 girls in our 30's. Similiar enough cheater stories. We became instant fast friends. One of them found this book... and before you know it all 3 of us had copies and we're highlighting the crap out of the book and screen shotting pictures back and forth. On an daily/weekly basis we have to remind each other, "what would chump lady say?!" Tracy saved us. Literally. She crawled inside our marriages, called the BS for what it is, opened our eyes and nailed it. Every. Single. Time. I can't believe she stole their playbook. I cannot believe she seriously knows everything they do, every time. I lived in a post affair marriage with the veneer of reconciliation that felt like- "he poured gas on me, lit me in fire, and kept complaining the room smelled like smoke!" Why wasn't I sensitive enough to see how awfully hard this was on him?! Why did I have to be so selfish and see that he had triggers too and if I could just shut up and move on like he wants to we could all get along." My girlfriends and I were too wounded and bleeding to call it like it was. A day at a time my friends, but darnt were getting there ....and this book is where to start.

I wish Tracy Schorn's Chump Lady site or her book had existed when I discovered my x was cheating. Maybe I could have gotten out after 3 years of marriage rather than 11. He cheated the entire time. I might even have been able to avoid the marriage altogether. There were signs, though I misinterpreted and excused them. My experience agrees 100% with one of Tracy's premises: cheating is a deal breaker in a relationship except in rare and extraordinary circumstances. In my case, despite his many protestations and promises, the x continued to cheat and continued to want to be married. To those in the early stages or who have a high tolerance for broken promises (as I once did), the tone may feel too harsh. It took me a while to accept its accuracy and necessity. The longer you try to act in good faith with a known liar, the more pain and damage you will suffer. The information in this book will help open your eyes. Anyone who cheats without confessing is a practiced liar. It takes a lot of lies to cheat and cover it up. I know this is hard to accept about someone you love. It's part of what makes what should be a straightforward, though agonizing, situation so confusing. You need an ally by your side, someone who can help you understand what's happening and what options you have. Your usual advisers may not know how to deal with cheating. The rules are different. For one thing, cheaters don't follow all the rules. And they have their own rules that they don't share with you. That alone can create a crazy dynamic. Even if you're inclined to reconcile, I hope you'll take Tracy's perspective into account. It will open your eyes to some important things. I wish that had been an option for me. It would have saved me heartache, wasted years and exposure to STDs. My heart goes out to anyone whose circumstances led them to this book, but I'm glad you've found the clear-minded advice it contains. I hope you take advantage of it as part of your support system.

I was with my cheating, lying e husband for 18 years before I finally got the courage to leave. During those 18 years I stumbled upon his dating profiles @ match.com, etc. He always made up a crazy story about how the profile wasn't his. On one occasion he was supposed to go with me & the kids to zoo lights. It was two days after my birthday & three days after Christmas; he lied & said he was at lunch w his cousin & for me & the kids to go ahead without him. He showed up 18 hrs lateral; he nearly totalled my car & ultimately confessed to being at a strip club with his cousin & uncle since 11am the day prior. Trust me, I have at least 25 more stories about him like this. But I REMAINED a MAJOR chump for him even after our divorce. FIVE YEARS after the divorce I hadn't dated. I was still in love with him. I feel like a complete fool! We tried to reconcile a few months ago; everything seemed great. We had sex a couple weeks ago during his lunch hour. Later that night I couldn't reach him. I went to meet my best friend & wouldn't you know it? There was my exhusband sitting at a table in Kona Grill on a date with a woman at least 15 years his senior. A couple days later the Universe dropped this book in my lap & for that I will be eternally grateful. I've finally gotten what I needed to move on! Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this book!!! XO

This is the only advice you need. You don’t need to do anything else. This book frees you from your beliefs that it is you who have to not only fix your shattered soul but also others so they won’t shatter you again. No. They broke you in the cruelest, least humane way possible and what you deserve is a chance at a better life.

Just what I needed. A no nonsense perspective on surviving infidelity. If this has happened to you. . . Read it.

28 years of marriage and 30 years together, then WHAM!! He cheated with the emotional affair partner we were in counseling about. Yup, in counseling and he turned it up to a sexual affair. This book helped me realize alot about myself and him without making me feel like I'm suppose to work harder and stay. Thank you.

After experiencing the unfortunate pain of infidelity after 15 years, Tracy's book was just what I needed. I'd done the reconciliation books and blogs, I'd tried therapy and working things out with my cheating partner, and after everything fell apart I turned to the Chump Lady. This book helped me realize how many others before me have gone through the same awful steps and experiences (i.e. hearing, "I never meant to hurt you." over and over as he continued to hurt me, my partner asking for "more time" to think and sort things out, to the ever moronic, "I love you but I don't think I'm IN love with you.") It was comforting to know that the insanity is not unique to my situation. There are countless other men and women who have been where I am, who have not only survived but have prospered in spite of the upheaval to their realities. My only regret is not picking up this book before I unabashedly tapped along to the "pick me!" dance for two months. I read it through over the course of two days and immediately read it again. I'm a chump, but that means I loved and committed with my whole heart, and my only shortcoming was trusting that the person I was with felt the same. Now I trust that he sucks, and I get to move on to someone who doesn't. Yes, Tracy uses some strong language. I personally didn't mind and thought it added to the humor and emphasis, but if you're easily offended you've been warned.

This book has been a complete game changer for me!! I have read every self-help book I could get my hands on, all preaching it's MY fault that he's a narcissistic POS. I came across this after reading about it in a subreddit and I only wish I had found it years ago. Whenever I start to doubt myself, I go back and re-read it and I'm fueled with enough anger and disgust to get me through at least another day. I've purchased several copies and gifted them to girlfriends, even those without cheating partners (just garbage men) and they too, have found it useful. Thanks to the author, I have FINALLY found my "MEH" (on most days) and it's such a relief. Women, it's not you, IT'S HIM... and he's trash. Ps. Yes, men who are in this situation will also find this book useful.

A betrayed spouse is devastated. Many of us find ourselves in the fetal position on the bathroom floor, unable to move after finding out the truth about the person we loved so much. We can't begin to understand how the person we loved could do such harm to us. And our first instinct is to blame ourselves and try to fix our own shortcomings and therefore, make them love us again. This book is the blueprint for realizing the problem is with the person who betrayed us and that the fault lies 100% with them. Cheating is never OK. NEVER. This book will help you realize that and save your soul. But she says it all so well and it's so easy to read and you'll find yourself cheering while you read it and, well, quit reading reviews and just get the book and read it. You will not be sorry, I promise you that.

This book was a really really good read. At the time of this review I was in a real sucky place with a narsistic sociopath. (I like the sound of that better than bastard) I had no clue where to begin legal wise when I was preparing to tell Mr. Narcissist to kindly get out of my house. The Chump Lady gave great advise on what to do in every situation imaginable. She also reminds you that you have self worth. This book is very straight forward. These methods may not be for everyone, but if you are truly 100% positive about no longer being disrespected, used and abused by a skeezoid poor excuse for a husband this book is for you. I felt very empowered after I read it. We're there times while I was reading was I re evaluating my situation and was talking myself out of kicking him out? Yes. But then I asked myself do I really want to continue down this road with a man who has emotionally and possibly physically cheated on me not 1, not 2, not 3 times but 4 and it keeps getting worse. HELL NO!!!! I'm a chump I'll admit it but I'm proud to be one. That title means I have a heart and am a good person. knowing Mr. Narcissist lost out on a really good thing because he made disgustingly absurd and poor choices he now faces the consequences of me no longer being in his life and taking care of him. Thank you Chump Lady for your wonderful book.

I used to think cheating was not such a big deal, that it happened in sexless or otherwise broken relationships, or was perpetrated by obviously unsavory characters. Then I found out that my therapy-attending, quietly confident yet earnestly polite and generous live-in boyfriend (who professed unprecedented satisfaction with our relationship) had been having an affair with a married colleague for years. Oh, the confusion that followed! Why was I suddenly unable to sleep or eat as adrenaline flooded my body for weeks? Why did the mild-mannered people pleaser I thought I knew so well suddenly turn into a dead-eyed personality chameleon with a staggering sense of entitlement and a frightening reservoir of anger? This book, and the author's blog, saved my sanity. I learned that what I went through, while perhaps not common, is also not original--it followed a predictable pattern of emotional abuse. I learned that my response was typical for traumatized people. I learned that my former partner's mind does not work the way that mine does, and that he isn't going to change. And I learned how to follow the hard but rewarding path to dignity and recovery. I've come to believe that a lot of the public and self-help discourse around infidelity is vacuous and harmful. This book is a wickedly funny, brutally compassionate breath of fresh air. My gratitude and affection for the author--whom I will probably never meet--rivals what I feel for dear friends and trusted physicians.

This is the go-to book for self-empowerment after being cheated on by someone you trusted. Tracy Schorn uses humor and wit to dish out the common sense advice that you need when your house is burning down: get out! Infidelity, far from being an innocent romp that if you don't know about it, won't hurt you, is a fundamental violation of trust in a relationship. Tracy Schorn's advice serves as the 2' by 4' we need when we are stuck in the cognitive dissonance of believing that someone who stabbed you in the back, somehow still has your back. She uses cartoons, wit, and her own unique nomenclature (the cheated-upon are "chumps", the denial we find ourselves in is "spackling", and the pointless craving for the life that was just imploded on us is "smoking the hopium pipe.") You will find these visualizations and metaphors help you see through the smoke and mirrors to what is really happening, and take the common sense steps to save your sanity, your relationship with your children, and your financial health. Don't let the cheap shots of a vindicative bad review dissuade you from buying and reading this book immediately. It contains the essential wisdom of all the blog entries on the Chump Lady website. It should be your guide for navigating out of what might be the worst crisis of your life, to a better state of mind ("Meh," which is quite unlike 'bitterness' as it implies not caring anymore because you HAVE moved on).

If you have a lot of hatred and anger in your heart towards your partner who cheated, and are NOT looking to reconcile, then this is the book for you. It's funny and empowering and gives some great advice for moving forward, legally and emotionally. But if you are wanting to try to repair your marriage, then I would not recommend it. There is zero compassion for the person who cheated (not saying they always deserve it, but in some cases they do, especially if they are genuinely remorseful and working to repair the damage) and basically dehumanizes all cheaters into soul-less monsters. I've been a cheater and been cheated on, so I know all too well that being betrayed sucks and can cause trauma and enormous pain in the people we love. But after doing a lot of therapy I've realized there's usually underlying trauma in people, and unaddressed issues in the marriage, that lead to cheating. Just my two cents. While it can be extremely validating to embrace your anger and pretend that all cheaters are terrible people, this book will only help foster your resentment of your partner. So just be aware of that if you are trying to reconcile. I personally didn't feel like it helped me move forward in the healing process.

This book is a must have for anybody who has doubts about their significant other. I believe it is a book that should be read even before you suspect. It read like an exact playbook of what transpired when my husband cheated and walked away without warning. I cannot recommend this enough!

You’ve just discovered your spouse is having an affair. You are gutted – leveled by disbelief. You are now in a panic to find answers so you turn to Amazon and the urgent book buying begins. And, as you have seen, there are oh-so-many books from which to choose. Books that ask you to shoulder the blame for your partner’s infidelity. Books written by authors who have no understanding of the trauma or suffering you are experiencing. Books that make promises they cannot fulfill. What you need now is insight into the mind of your cheater. You think that your situation is unique and you are isolated. What you need to understand is that there are specific cheating patterns. And this magical book will help you recognize not only the patterns of cheaters but also the patterns of us who are chumps. This is the book that will offer you the help you seek. Beautifully written, with warmth and wit and deepest concern, this book will guide you through this unexpected and treacherous terrain. Schorn’s direct yet compassionate style is both a balm and a call to boldness – exactly what those reeling from the shock and sorrow of infidelity need. This book is an acknowledgment of your devastation but also offers you proactive steps to find a new and deeper joy.

Finally, straight talk about infidelity that doesn't do any of the following: *place blame on the victim of the betrayal ("Affair proof your marriage!" "How did you drive your partner to cheat?") *excuse, legitimize or minimize infidelity ("Monogamy is unrealistic." "Anyone could cheat." "Maybe it's a sex addiction.") *cast infidelity as modern, sophisticated, and completely natural ("The affair was an act of exuberant defiance! A quest for aliveness!") What this book does do is portray infidelity exactly as it is and offer THE BEST advice to those who have been betrayed. Chump Lady calls it like it is with a great sense of humor about a painful topic. Infidelity has become increasingly seen as something that "just happens", something that is caused by situations and external factors, rather than by a cheater's defective character. As Chump Lady points out, there are two very respectable things for people to do when they are unhappy in a committed, monogamous relationship--work on things or break up. But cheating on your partner, risking their health, lying, manipulating and gas lighting them is not respectable, decent or kind. It is cruel, abusive and yes, wrong. And why stay with a partner who is capable of doing such awful things? I read a lot of books after facing the soul-crushing realization that my partner was a cheater, and this was the only one to tell it like it is. If you're dealing with the terrible pain of betrayal, this book is immensely helpful. Highly recommended!

This book was a life changer for me !! Seriously I would not be progressing forward in my life without this book. The sarcasm and real word language, plus tough love is what I needed !! I read the book twice and second time through wrote all over it with my thoughts, feelings and memories !!

If you are splitting up, Or recently broke up, This book will help save your sanity. Find out why they do what they did and why you shouldn't take it personal. Divorce is very personal, even if wanted can't hurt to the very core of your heart. Read the book. Let the healing begin. Don't be a Chump.

This book is for you if you find yourself alone, crying, scared to death and on Amazon at 3am trying to find books on how to survive this ultimate betrayal. I've been there. A lot of us have been there. This book reminded me that my ex wasn't the only one with choices to make. This book helped me find my strength to stand up for myself and move on with a better life. There is no victim blaming. But there is a lot of holding the cheater accountable for his/her behavior and choices. And it is amazing at how similiar they act. From "I love you but I am not in love with you" to "She is just a friend" to "We are just like room mates". The clarity gained from reading others experiences that are so similiar to your own is freeing. I cannot recommend this book enough. It is for both men and women who have been cheated on. Long marriages or newlyweds or even not even married at all. Find your strength and know your worth is the lesson learned from this book.

....When I got cheated on, it was my second marriage. I had been a single mom for years and thought I’d found true love. The joke was on me. Just six months after my wedding, a long-term Other Woman called to inform me of her existence...... This EXTREMELY important information is not disclosed until nearly halfway through the book. It explains alot about why the author is so angry and bitter. If she'd had 20, 30, 40 years invested she may think a little differently and less "don't waste your time" advice. This information should be in thecdescription so the reader can decide if it would be relevant to their situation BEFORE spending 9.99.

FINALLY a book about infidelity that offers no-nonsense information and advice that actually helps protect the victim. Tracy Schorn's advice is not just about gaining a life -- it's also about saving a life -- YOURS!!!! Step One: if at all possible Do NOT let your cheater - or anyone else - know that you are onto his or her shenanagins. Step Two: Read this book. Step Three: visit (covertly if you need to) the Chumplady blog at Chumplady.com. Step Four: Make your plan. Step Five: Take action. Step Six: repeat steps Two through Five as needed. This book wasn't around 11 years ago when my husband traded me in for the secretary and left me with a one-week-old baby and a toddler. But if it had been, it would have saved me tens (maybe even hundreds) of thousands of dollars plus months of my life and helped me regain my sanity sooner. I am happily remarried now for 8 years but I found Mrs. Schorn's book when searching for resources for my sister and a dear friend who were going through marital problems. I have recommended it to them and I will continue to refer people. In fact I bought an extra copy to keep on hand as a loaner because sadly it is just a matter of time before another friend or acquaintance will need this support.

Just want I needed to read! Thank you for understanding a chump and being realistic. Love your sense of humor!

To the reader of this review--I am sorry you have most likely joined our "club" of Chumps. Please buy this book, and read it as soon as possible. It will set you on the path to understanding your self-worth, and will help you "gain a life." Ms. Schorn is straightforward and she gets to the heart of the matter: cheaters devalue their partners and harm them in countless ways. Her writing style is humorous, and the artwork is awesome. I wish this book had been out when I thought my partner was cheating; he made me feel insecure and crazy (called gaslighting....and yes, turns out, he was a cheater! He admitted it later). Most of the self help books and internet discussion boards suggest that chumps did something to permit the cheating, they need to work harder at the relationship, etc. That is not helpful, and in my case, that advice prolonged the pain of the betrayal. One side note: Ms. Schorn is not "against" those who attempt reconciliation. She simply wants readers to understand that it is extremely unlikely that a cheater will not relapse, and recommends that the faithful partners keep their "eyes wide open" during the reconciliation process. Most cheaters do not cheat only once; my ex was one of the serial cheaters (after years of denying it).

I read this book-still not knowing whether I have been cheated on (I can only guess the answer), but I know I certainly have been lied to many times. My marriage is on the brink and I’m considering divorce. This book is helpful and motivational to read-it does not make your mind up for you as to whether to leave or not-it just helps solidify excuses you may have heard in the past and see how they may relate to what you are going through and to realize that most likely, you will never get a straight answer-and you possibly don’t really need one! Great read!

this book addresses the complete lack of resources to help a spouse OUT of a marriage with a cheater, instead of repairing a marriage with a cheater. I’ve looked and looked and this is the first! I’m a Christian and believe in the sanctity of marriage, but my husband has no interest in changing or working on us, so i was left feeling stuck. This book helped unstick me. It gave me a new perspective on the situation...that divorce is not a failure but a consequence of a very selfish choice made by a spouse who has damaged everyone by their action to cheat and carry on an affair. It also helped reinforce that nothing i will do will bring him back or encourage reconciliation. If he gets to that point, nothing will stop him from making things right with me, even if i file for divorce. It also helped me be ok with what to tell people about our divorce. Our marriage was a wonderful one and it took everyone by complete surprise, and it made me feel pitied. No longer! If you are the spouse of a cheater, and you feel guilted into staying, read this book and be free!

A lot of us chumps get stuck with our wayward partners for one reason or another. This book is a guide to getting unstuck and realizing that reconciling with a cheater is next to impossible. While I’m still stuck currently, I plan to reread this book and continue to work on my self worth and plan to not be a chump forever.

I was playing the pick me dance until I read this book. I will no longer be doing that. It’s time to gain a life!

This is an excellent book for those who have had a cheater as their spouse/domestic partner. It can be profane at times but it definitely makes the point. Though Tracy is not a psychologist, she had her own cheater and has spent a LONG time hearing from those of us who also had cheaters. Someone who has LOTS of experience, whether an educated psychologist or not, has a LOT of advice to offer. The stories that she has heard thousands of times over have repetitive themes. The 'chump' is filled with doubt due to the machinations of the lying cheater. This book helps the chumps understand the trains that hit them, how to move forward, and what they can expect along their destination whichever route they take (reconciliation or divorce.) I so wish I had read this book when I first found out about my cheater, but..., I was probably still stuck on saving my marriage no matter what. I bought too many "Save Your Marriage" books before I realized that you can't save a marriage when there's only one person working on it and the other has a person in the sideline providing 'cake'. Had I read this book, I would have taken less time in the recovery phase after I dumped my cheater.

After spending a small fortune on books & reading so many blogs & pages about saving a marriage after infidelity, this book is the reality check I needed. Brutal, frank & sweary but very honest and clear- there's no way back from cheating and you deserve better. This should be the first and only book you read when you pick yourself up off the floor after discovering you've been cheated on. Circumvent the whole industry based on expensive workshops, retreats, courses etc. designed to make you feel you have an obligation to try to "heal" the relationship. The only thing you need to hear is in this book- you didn't break it, so why should it be on you to fix it?

Save your $$ on expensive therapists. This book was so much better. Straight and to the point! If you suspect or are already going through a breakup/separation/divorce, you NEED to read this book. I wish I had this information while I was in the midst of the gas lighting, lies and cheating. It would have saved me a lot of heartache and groveling and I would have known to just cut my losses and say bye bye and not look back.

I had an interest in this book for a while, but I was skeptical it was just another one of those reconciliation books that are boring to read. Boy was I wrong. It made me laugh, during times where id probably just be staring at the ceiling wondering why all this is happening. This book genuinely inspired me to be better and try again. I never thought I could feel better after reading this. It was almost therapeutic to read and taught me to accept many hard truths. The silver lining, is life gets better, but the first step is letting go.

I cannot say enough good things about this book. I found out on Christmas Eve that my beloved husband of 7 years was having an affair. I couldn't process the hurt and pain! I just wanted help! I also wanted to hear that everything would be okay and he had just made a mistake. I would have done anything to keep my old life alive. We tried reconciliation- he lasted one week before he was going on a ski trip with the other woman. So I started looking on Amazon for books about healing from divorce. In one of the book reviews someone recommended Tracy's blog- chumplady.com. It changed my life!! It opened my eyes to the fact that cheaters are pretty much all the same and that I deserve better. In some of my darkest moments, I found renewed strength and encouragment by reading the archives on the blog. I am so excited for this book. If you are feeling like you're going crazy living with a cheater and don't know how to get out- then get this book and head over to the blog. You will find support from the online community and the realization that you can leave a cheater and gain a life!!

I found the Chump Nation and this book purely by accident but it has changed my life!! I don’t normally write reviews but this book has helped me to feel empowered and ready to take over the world. Lol. We often take on the burden of the infidelity and allow it to crush us. This book showed me the “game”, helped me adopt a healthy (and more realistic) perspective, and to also come up with next steps. Most importantly this book showed that his behavior is no reflection on me. Cheating and lying are a personal choice. I highly recommend this book for anyone who has been cheated on and left to pick up the pieces. The CL is funny and relatable- her message really hits home.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to read this book if you're a survivor of infidelity. It was life changing and will save your sanity! After spending several months listening to "infidelity apologists" telling me that I was responsible for the cheating and denying the "role" that I played, I'd had enough. This book put infidelity into context that doesn't blame the victim and puts the responsibility exactly where it belongs: with the cheater!

And I have read them all, including the writings of all those snake oil salesmen on the Internet who will tell you how to save your marriage in the wake of infidelity. My only wish is that I had discovered Chump Lady sooner before I tried to "save my marriage" and put myself through even more heartache and humiliation. Tracy Schorn's writings were critical in helping in transform what I thought was by far the most devastating event in my life (discovering my ex-husband's affair shortly after the birth of my second child) into a true blessing in disguise and probably one of the best things that happened in my life ever (which I never thought I would say). Not only will Tracy's book help you decode your cheater's seemingly baffling behavior and utterances (which you will learn are pretty typical of cheaters), but help you psychologically recover and see your spouse for the true person that s/he is (which may be hard to digest initially)--which I think is important in moving on and discovering things about yourself that will help you grow and live a much more fulfilling and authentic life (e.g., why were you willing to be with such a person and tolerate such behavior from him/her and likely others?).

I am so sorry that you are reading this review in hopes of deciding of ordering this book. But please, ORDER IT. I ordered this book after I found my ex fiancée texting his “affair partner” I kicked him out the same morning and I needed to get my mind around WTF was going on. I had ordered “Not Just Friends” and “After the Affair” and returned that shyt immediately. Hell to the no. As soon as I read a couple of sentences, I was hooked. It definitely hurt to read some parts, but in conclusion, I know that I am so much better off knowing that my feeling are normal and that he really is a deceptive piece of work. I stayed up all night reading it until the end. I feel liberated and now know what to do and have the confidence to do it.

When you feel like your life has been sucked out of you, read it! I was married for 20 years, and sad sausage ( ex husband) decided he wanted his cake, and to eat it too! This book has helped me through an extremely crappy time in my life!

If your husband has cheated on you and you only buy and read one book --- read this one! Betrayal by infidelity is one of humanity's worst offenses toward men and women. I read this book 12 years after I decided not to pursue marriage counseling with my 20-year cheater husband, got my own counselor, filed for divorce with a savvy attorney, and created a new life. It took years to get over the betrayal --- but the content of this book told me I did a lot of the right things for my self-protection, safety and chance at a new life now with someone who loves me with honesty and commitment. If the occasional gutsy words in this book seem to be in your face --- these are meant for effect and they work. Get angry and move on. Don't look back. At last! A book about the reality of cheaters ----- not some lip service of how to reconcile or accept abuse. Thank you, Tracy Schorn. PS Ten years after the cheating, I got my entire retirement pension back 100%.

Relationships are more complex than cheaters and chumps. I may be a chump, but not yet ready to dump the cheater. The author would call me a chump for going through counseling. I want to give it a try. Anyway, what kind of woman would dump a 77 year old man after 53 years of marriage, cheater or not? It would be like dumping an elderly dog that had developed some bad habits. The book has value for another perspective on my situation. I recommend to read it, and you can agree with it or not. 25 years ago, I would have been "outta here".

May 1st was when the 4 year affair my partner was having with his high school ex was confirmed by her, through Instagram messenger, with explicit photos. I can’t unsee what was sent to me and this book reinforces how much more of a life I deserve.

I purchased this book about 5 months after finding out about my wife’s affair. If I had this book sooner I could have saved myself a lot of grief, headaches and money. It’s almost like The author was following me around during this rollercoaster ride writing this book. My wife said and did almost every single thing in this book. I have been reading self helps books and partially blaming myself for her affair this whole time. This book is the best book I’ve read so far and I’m not a fan of reading books. Some of those other books were boring and dreadful. I’m hanging on every word she says because I’m in total amazement. I cannot express the importance of this book enough. If you are going through a affair or suspect one or know someone who is, do yourself and them a favor and get this book. You may not like what is being said but it’s the truth! I can attest to its accuracy.

I found this book quite helpful as it put words to my shocked and unable to focus mind while going through betrayal. Her no-nonsense way of putting forth her experience and those of letters she received is refreshing and for me validating. I loved her writing style and ability to share her very personal experiences. There was one chapter in the book where I laughed and cried in the same paragraph. As the title states, this book is about leaving a cheater and why. It was very helpful for me during a time when I was lost and confused.

I am a reader of Chumplady (Tracy's blog) although I have never signed in or made myself known. Her blog is unique in its no-tolerance attitude toward adultery. Tracy is both very funny and very serious as she probes the mindset of those who cheat without repentance, and how to get away from them and the people who enable them. Her online community ("Chump Nation") has some amazing, smart, kind, clever and transparent people in it. I am very grateful for the blog and for this book. Two concerns: there is a point after which reading the blog/the book can keep one from detaching from an evil situation-- because it is addictive! Secondly, CN is not, on the whole, in favor of forgiveness for cheaters. In my experience, moving toward forgiveness has given me a freedom and detachment that nothing else could have achieved. But a lot depends on how you define forgiveness and/or "meh" (acceptance). On the whole, this book is essential for you if you are hurting from the moral relativism that surrounds adultery today.

Profound insights punctuated with profanity, but still READ THIS BOOK! I have many books on infidelity and divorce and this is the best! Finally, clear minded straight talk not found elsewhere. Her wisdom and wit and ability to explain is a no nonsense gift for us all. Every page of my book has highlighting. Cursing aside, It’s worth it!

This book was phenomenal! If I had it in my hands 15-20 years ago, I would have saved myself so much heartache! I am currently rereading it for the third time and taking notes. It not only has helped me respond to my cheater's "sorry, not sorry" statements, but also to those who (in my family) tell me "men go looking for what they don't get at home". To that I say, Bull $^*@! Tracy's book has shown me what my cheater did had nothing to do with me, but is a character flaw in him! I want everyone in my family to read this book so they realize what I was going through in my life. What I really love about Tracy is she doesn't sugar coat the truth. Such a great resource for those of us in this situation - thank you, Tracy!

This book is so empowering! Anyone that's been the victim of a cheater needs to read this book and reclaim their swag. This book embraces the idea that cheaters suck and doesn't allow for lame-ass excuses or victim-shaming. I love that. If you're hurting and need a pick-me-up, BUY THIS BOOK!!!! I highly recommend that you join the Facebook group, too. It's an amazing, supportive group of men and women that get it!

This book has been so helpful. It’s the no BS advice needed. So glad someone recommended this book to me. Although, I wish no one needed to read this book, if you’re needing a book on what to do after infidelity- this is the book. I also liked the thick pages and the way the book feels. Not a big deal but just a little bonus.

I have been reading chumplady.com for awhile now, and it rocks! Tracy is the chumplady; witty, sarcastic, empathetic, potty mouthed and most of all; spot on. I would recommend this book to everyone who has/is been chumped, here you get the real answers, that help you to gain a life and laugh , and cry -with other chumps- whilst doing it. I actually asked my daughter, she is in her early 20's, to read chumplady.com (hasn't been chumped to my knowledge) to learn how to identify red flags, what kind of consequences cheating can have, how to recognize "love bombing ", how to set your boundaries, what is gaslighting and so on and so on. Of course I have had these discussions with my daughter myself as well, but Tracy says it better, and funnier. So keep this book, and the previous one, as you "bibles", read them, and logon chump lady.com to discuss with fellowchumps. You don't regret it and you get help to gain cheater free authentic life. Yours "There ain't such thing as a unicorn "

If you've been cheated on (a.k.a. chumped) and you most likely have since you're reading these reviews then don't hesitate to buy this book. It gives you the fuel you need to leave a relationship with someone who doesn't value you and the confidence that there is a better future. The author, Tracy Schorn, breaks down why cheaters cheat (it has nothing to do with you) and why, except in rare cases, they will never change their stripes. She gives it to you straight: leaving is the only path forward and anything else is spinning your wheels and keeping yourself in pain. There are actionable tips and tools to start the healing process and moving on to your new, cheater-free life. Besides being incredibly insightful, it is so funny! You'll be howling your way to healing.

Shew, Chump Lady hit the nail on the head with this book. I was chumped for months not seeing my husband’s affair for what it truly is and how much of the blame he put on me. I also went to counseling (alone) and was told some crazy advice (such as “your husbands affair is like a drug, he can’t help himself, if your friend was on drugs, wouldn’t you get them the treatment they deserved?”). *eye roll* If only I had read Chump Lady’s book first, I would have saved hundreds of dollars on counseling! Somehow she managed to describe a lot of how my cheater is acting and what to do back. I no longer believe in unicorns, and I’m in the process of reaching “meh” (as hard as that is!). Thanks Chump Lady, you give me hope that someone is out there that values the same as I do!

This was a helpful reality check for me at this time in My life. I recommend you read this perspective.

Tracy is brilliant in her processing the skein of fuckedupness that is the stock in trade of cheaters, whose deception robs victims of their story. She outlines a rugged but certain path through the emotional war zone that is discovery of and recovery from infidelity. If you should find yourself in this position, FIRST read this book...sip it or pound it, but drink every potent shot! Then head over to ChumpLady.com for some serious experience, strength and wisdom to help you survive...better than you can imagine...one of life's most devastating blows. I am still within 80-some days of my D-day #3, but Chump Lady & Chump Nation have been my backbone when I couldn't find mine, my tribe when others didn't "get it" - helping me not to bleed on my loved ones more than necessary. Brava, Chump Lady! You are a voice for thousands who love you and your clear voice for sanity!

This book is great. Easy read, witty writing that says all the things we need to hear. I reference on occasion when I’m having a weak moment as a reminder/for support.

This matter of fact, talk to you like your favorite Aunt style of writing is a balm this chump's soul. I've always been told reconciliation is the way to go. This book proudly stands against the grain.

I have been patiently waiting for the arrival of this book since February 28th. That would've marked my 29th anniversary with a cheater who I gladly divorced two years ago. I ordered it purposely on that date because if it wasn't for finding the chump lady in 2013, I'd probably still be married to said cheater and I would most definitely not be gaining a life. This book is awesome! It is the only book that the cheated upon should read because it is the only book that gets you to focus on yourself. Stop wasting your time trying to figure out how you "drove your cheater to cheat;" stop wasting your time with someone who not only doesn't love you but simply doesn't like you very much. Define your boundaries and stick to them. Show yourself the love you've shown someone who isn't worthy and I promise you will come out better in the end. That's what you will get from this book, not to mention a few laughs.

I've been a fan of Chump Lady for two years now, and this book truly delivers all of her wisdom in one format. Tracy's irreverent, honest, and rational approach to helping "Chumps" heal after betrayal, and helping them find a better way to live and manage life after "DDay" is a breath of fresh air! She takes a no-nonsense stance on helping men and women understand that there are clear and more effective ways to heal - and thrive - after infidelity. This book will have you laughing, crying, and likely making an appointment for a chiropractor because you'll never nod your head harder than while reading her book. Seriously, get the book, get on her website chumplady.com, and get on the road to recovery for your family, and complete healing. Thank you, Tracy, for being so amazing, for writing this book, and sharing your story, your hilarious take on cheaters, and your brilliance with Chumps all over this globe. Xoxoxoxo!!

Finding out that your spouse has been cheating on you is one of the most devastating and life altering experiences one can go through. If you are looking for answers about why your spouse strayed, if you are looking for ways to better understand your options post-Discovery Day (DDay), this book is a must have. This book offers advice on what to do right after DDay, and how to discern whether your cheater is sorry for what s/he did (vs sorry for getting caught). This book is also filled with humor and practical advice on protecting your sanity and your assets (via a post-nup or a divorce) whether you decide to stay a while or leave upon discovering you are married or coupled with a cheater. If you are already divorced, this book can be immensely helpful to guide you about ongoing co-parenting issues with your cheater-ex. This book will give you the insights and practical roadmap you need to build your post-infidelity life with dignity and self-respect.

Kinda weird to post a public review of this book with your real name. So if any of my friends are reading ... surprise! If you've experienced the soul-crushing, heart-macerating experience of infidelity this book will keep you sane during the dark, dark, dark days. It will even make you laugh. As improbable as that sounds. My experience was fairly mild (there's probably a better word for that) and the chump lady's experience was about as bad as it can be. So keeping that in mind a lot of her advice applies perhaps in kind if not in degree. And I'm glad I didn't follow all of it to the letter: e.g., as soon as you find out, call the divorce attorney and start making preparations to throw your partner's prized possessions out in the yard.

Tracy Schorn, aka Chump Lady, helped me survive what may have been the most devastating period of my life. I am so grateful that I found her website (chumplady.com) and book so quickly following the discovery of my long-term partner's serial cheating. I would have still been in that abusive relationship if it weren't for Ms. Schorn's remarkable insight. YES! Infidelity is Abuse -- don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If you or anyone you know is going through this pain, this book will help you cope with the aftermath of infidelity. Although its content is sad, Schorn, an infidelity survivor herself, will have you laughing and feeling empowered as she guides you through the necessary steps to gain YOUR life back. After reading just a few pages, you soon will learn that ALL cheaters work from the same handbook. This is YOUR handbook -- the lifesaver you need when you feel like you are drowning as a result of infidelity in your relationship.

Very validating to find that you're not the only one who has experienced the twisting lies, blame shifting, and victim playing of a cheater/narcissist. THESE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY MAKING!! But fear not! Truth is the antidote, and Chump Lady delivers. Leave a cheater, Gain a life is as straightforward and honest as it's title. No one knows the gut wrenching pain of infidelity except those who have experienced it. This book was clearly written by someone who has survived one of the most awful traumas a person can endure. I highly recommend this book!

Do yourself a favor and READ THIS! And then don’t read anything else. I wish I had known about this book years ago. If I had, I could have spared myself so much agony - literal agony.

I wish this was the first book I would have read. I was able to validate a lot of my feelings that I couldn’t articulate. It’s ok to not want to forgive and go back to normal life, it’s ok to stand up for yourself and not accept less from life.

I just received my copy from pre-order yesterday (Sun) and read my entire book in one day! Chump Lady is the best - both book and blog! Don't waste your time on drivel like "Not Just Friends", "Getting Past the Affair", "I Love You But I Don't Trust You", "Surviving Infidelity", "After A Good Man Cheats", etc. BTW, a good man WOULDN'T cheat. Cheaters are, by definition, not good people. Affairs are not accidental, it takes lots and lots of lying. Take back your life, get rid of The Cheater! I've been following CL for the last 2 years, got rid of my Cheater, and my life couldn't be better! My Cheater ' s life, on the other hand, is in the toilet, 2+ years unemployed and he's aged 25+ years, haha! Trust that ALL Cheaters suck and toss them overboard. This book will be your guide!!

When I learned of my husband's affair, I WISH I had found this book! (I found dozens of others, "how to save your marriage" etc. and wondered why I couldn't fix our marriage). Only after I read this did I understand ALL of the events and comments he made during the awful 3 months while I did the "pick me" dance (I failed). I cannot recommend this book highly enough and even though it's been 2 years, I still have it by my bedside to buck me up when I regress. Funny and accurate and very clear--a MUST READ for everyone who has been betrayed!

Only for those who can laugh at themselves. This book made me feel a lot better. I don't necessarily agree with everything she says, such as no contact and friends who want to be Switzerland, but overall, I really enjoyed the book. Take what you need; leave the rest!

Infidelity and desertion are gutting. No amount of mawkish semantic gymnastics can change that. “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” doesn’t sugarcoat the experience; it speaks to the betrayed spouse in a clear, frank voice balancing difficult truths with intelligent wit. Tracy Schorn made me laugh during a time when I thought I’d never laugh again. She also enabled me to see through the fog of shock, disbelief, fear, and anxiety, and realize what my new reality was; that life had changed forever and was going to take me in a direction that I had never planned on. “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” is the road map to that new reality. The message is empowerment. The message is survival. When the foundation of your life has just crumbled, Tracy Schorn is a First Responder, and this is exactly the right medicine.

Love it by page 16 I wanted to jump up and down and yell hell yeah! What you need to hear after a spouse cheats. It gives you what you should be told and not the bs that is out there everywhere. Get it.

This books seriously helped me through the first weeks of splitting up and deciding on divorce. Her perspective allowed me to respond in times where I otherwise would not have been able to come up with the words. She was able to convince me that I was not crazy. I love her sense of humor and honesty. Highly recommend!

I love this book. It’s as authentic as it gets. Tracy is one of those people who is true to herself and won’t allow anything but the best in her life. She wants the same for you too. Why stay with a cheater? I can never say if someone who cheats on someone else loves them or not as I m not in the cheaters heart but one thing that I can unequivocally say is that the cheater does not respect his or her partner. If you are ok with being with someone who doesn’t respect you more power to you but if you have had enough and need to get some clarity on whether or not the decision to leave a cheater was a right one please read this book.

I'm one of the lucky ones. I found Tracy and her Chump Lady blog fairly early after discovering I was married to a serial cheater, liar and all around not-nice guy. As I am now happily divorced and enjoying the life I gained after leaving the cheater, I was able to skip to the end of the book and read the chapters validating the journey I've already taken. But for anyone who is contemplating what to do after discovering their significant other is cheating, this book is an invaluable road map for what lies ahead. Tracy tells you the unvarnished truth (with humor, compassion and great cartoons) you won't hear from a "wreak-conciliation industry" that is intent on stealing your money and blaming you for your own pain. Skip all that nonsense, buy this book and get yourself de-chumped. You'll be thanking Tracy one day too.

This was the book that I needed to help me move on! I was reading marriage books and repair after an affair books and all they did was make me question what I did wrong. The answer is nothing! I did nothing wrong. I married a man who wasn't as committed as I was. We were in the same marriage, he cheated, I didn't. If you keep spinning and trying to figure out how you caused infidelity in your marriage, read this! Thanks Chump Lady!

This book is like a breath of fresh air. It led me out of the darkness and showed me the path to strength, grace, humor and healing. Did I mention strength? It gave me SO MUCH. The author sees the situation as it really is and calls it for what it is very bluntly. She names the awful things you go through as the betrayed spouse in a simple yet insightful way. You will see your cheater, as well as yourself, in these pages, and you will finally start to understand the dysfunctional dynamic. And she gives you the advice and tools to extricate yourself from it. Who knew cheaters all seem to follow the same script!?! The author is also simply hilarious, so I found myself laughing through the tears. This book did more for me than a hundred counseling sessions could, and advanced my healing a thousand-fold.

Funny how unoriginal my story and the cheater arguments were, good book to reorganize your mind and thinking after years of gaslighting

This book is awesome! If you’ve been cheated on, read it before you confront your spouse/partner. If you’ve already confronted them, read it anyways. This book is so helpful in so many ways- it’s honest, funny, and spot on. It’s helped me move on with my life, minus a lying, cheating, loser of an ex husband

If you are very, very lucky, you will find this book early in your infidelity aftermath. If you are lucky, you will find it before you’ve wasted months/years of your life. Tracy is truly the lone voice of truth in the infidelity community, and the one who will lead you most swiftly to resolution and healing. I spent five years in marriage counseling and got more mileage from this book than all those hours in session with a mediocre therapist and a spouse who could not, would not change. When your spouse is an unrepentant jerk (adultery/abuse/addiction), it feels like you have a gangrenous foot that you have to amputate yourself, or die of the infection. Tracy will walk you through this painful procedure with your dignity and sanity intact.

A must read!!!!! Helped clarify everything that you just can't understand because you are thinking normal. It all makes sense, explained in a no nonsense way. Best to listed to instead of read. Finished in 2 days.

This was exactly what I needed to read while going through my divorce. I even once told my daughters how my ex was only in the relationship for cake. They understood immediately “having your cake and eating it too”. Once I almost let the cake talk continue until my oldest mentioned cake and I realized I was an idiot.

This an absolute must read for anyone who has been cheated on. There is so much clarity and wisdom here. She is absolutely spot on. Even if you doubt some of the things, like "oh but he seems so remorseful, surely it is real remorse" do yourself a favor and wait about 6 months for the true colors to show. They will. I know because my cheater STBX was the most pitiful, remorseful creature you could imagine who pledged to dedicate the rest of his life making it up to me whether I take him back or not. Six months later? He is shacking up with some random girl and saying things like I led him to cheat. As I go through this hellish process of divorcing a sociopath, I keep the book on hand and reread relevant things. It is truly a sanity saver.

Unlike most of the stuff out there, this book validates your reality when you’re married to a cheater. Through snark and humor, it helped me see the entitlement and selfishness of my now ex husband. When all the other books were telling me I was the problem and how I could “affair proof” my marriage, this book helped me see that I can only control me. I can not control my ex, and why would I stay with someone who wasn’t all in for me? Tracy - you are the best. Life is truly better on the other side. My Tuesday is coming.

This book, like Chump Lady's website, is the one knotted rope -- anchored up top and everything -- among a whole lot of "So You've Been Cheated On -- Now What?" advice that might look like rope but turns out to be as useful as spaghetti noodles when you are at the swampy bottom of the deep, black, slime-lined pit that your cheater has secretly dug for you and then pushed you into. I cannot recommend Chump Lady highly enough. "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" is wisdom, dignity, agency, sanity, and even hilarity, during some of the most traumatic days of your life. Get it, read it, absorb it. I promise you, you'll get through this. And bit by bit, you'll make a life that is so much better than the one you had with someone capable of cheating on you.

Tracy Schorn has succeeded in changing the conversation on 'infidelity' through her Chump Lady blog which has over a million views. Not too long ago, it was a widely accepted idea that those who were cheated on had done something wrong or lacked some critical element necessary to prevent their partner from straying. This very direct and humorous read points out the folly in this thinking and puts the responsibility directly where it belongs: on the cheater. If you find yourself searching for answers, the book is a step by step guide on how to extricate yourself from this circle jerk including valuable advice on how to protect yourself from the legal and financial landmine known as divorce. I often give her columns to my divorce clients as 'required' reading. Now I can happily give them her book.

Of all the over 50 books I have read on infidelity, this is the one I wish I had read 20 + years ago.. It would have saved me years of "trying to untangle the skein of f...upedness" and trying to "calculate the odds that I have a unicorn" for a marriage. I spent 10 years in recovery thinking that I was the reason he was cheating, or that he was a sex addict, or a number of other equally crazy reasons. Really it was just that he wanted to cheat. He felt entitled to cheat. If you are coping with a cheater, READ THIS BOOK! Believe it! Tracy Schorn speaks the truth here!

This book has literally saved my life and sanity. After over a year of trying to save my marriage I realized as I read this book it wasn't worth my sanity or happiness. I asked my husband to move out two weeks ago and even though it really hurts I finally have myself back and more importantly my peace of mind. Tracy's no nonsense and truthful approach to infidelity is what every chump needs to crawl out of the shell of their old life and move forward into a life free of loved ones who do not respect you. This is a must read for anyone who has woken up to find themselves in the midst of soul stealing infidelity.

This is the only book you need to overcome this kind of loss. Funny, clear, and on point. Also helpful (although in a differen context) - How to survive the loss of a love by Melba Colgrove and Peter McWilliams

People in the throes of trying to decide what to do after an affair comes to light NEED to read this. There are many, many books out there on how to "repair" a marriage after infidelity, but very few on how to move on....without the cheater. It is a bit profane, but encapsulates very well the "play book" of a cheater. Understanding what "blame-shifting" is, for instance, can empower the victim of infidelity to confront the cheater when they engage in what the ChumpLady calls "Mind*uckery". I believe that understanding the entitlement mentality of a cheater will help the victim make more informed decisions about what direction they want to take regarding their marriage. Sure, read the reconciliation books.....but read this one, too.

I’ve read so many books on infidelity and this is the one that absolutely resonated. It literally felt like I wrote it for myself. I agree wholeheartedly with the idea that infidelity is abuse and I wish more people would understand this rather than blaming the victim (the chump). If you’ve been subjected to this horrible experience, I highly recommend you read this book as a way forward through the abuse.

If only I'd been able to read this book in 2008 l would not find myself in the position l am now....that of a chump....again. Back then l made all the wrong moves with the best of intentions as l had three children .....and was convinced that l could save my marriage.....unaware that l was the victim of a narcissist manipulator....who l now discover had been a serial cheater throughout the 34 years of "marriage". This book, as opposed to those l read back in 2008, identifies all the behaviours l now recognise in my spouse...analyses the modus operandi of menipulative people but more importantly gives solid advice on how to deal with the situation in which you find yourself

Let's just face it- being cheated on is one of the worst life events that can happen to anyone. It's confusing! It's devastating. It shakes every belief you hold dear about yourself and really, the world you live in! Do you need help? Here, read this book- all you need is here, and it's very funny, and wise, too. Let Tracy Schorn hold your hand as you figure it out, she's been there, and every topic is discussed. When you think you know how to deal with a cheater, or how to fix your broken heart, guess what? Your instincts aren't working right! It's not your fault, you're on the floor, a big mess, how can you figure out what to do? Trust me, read Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life, you'll be on your way!

Incredible book. I laughed. I cried. I took notes. I memorized. This was an incredible help when I was all alone and broken hearted. My sincere thank to the author. Make sure you look online for her website. It is another incredible resource.

If you are the victim of a cheater this is the book. Literally the only book you need. It is funny and informative. Self help with humor, tips and positive reinforcement. Read it and follow it. Thank me later.

Found out your spouse is cheating? Considering staying in the marriage/attempting to reconcile? Read this book first. Chump Lady is witty, refreshing and she cuts through and translates the real meaning of the Cheater excuses and narratives, society's rug-sweeping of cheater antics and the insanity contained in the advice from Reconciliation literature, websites and cheater apologists. This book will put you on the road to recovery and empowerment faster than anything you will read or hear on this topic. So before you take a swim in the river of the de-nil(e)-al, before you "stand for your marriage," before you single-handedly attempt to save your marriage, stand for yourself first (and your children) and read this book. You will be thankful to the universe for the existence of Chump Lady and Chump Nation.

I highly recommend this book to anyone that is or has suffered abuse at the hands of disordered cluster b's / narcissists / cheating spouse! The information Tracy shares is invaluable when one is suffering extreme trauma from such insidious abuse. The answers you are seeking to heal can be found here. Tracy pulls no punches and deals in the absolute TRUTH regarding what you are going through. If you are looking for answers to what you are being put through / experiencing this is where you will find them. If you want to make sense of the insanity you need this book. Take back your sanity and self respect and experience an authentic life outside of the controlling, insidious abuse. This book and chumplady.com will show you the way.

I don't know where I would be without having found chumplady.com and the Chump Nation... probably still laying in a fetal position crying over the "loss" of my narcissist ex-husband to his affair partner! The humor and courage illustrated in this book is nothing short of revolutionary! You don't need to make excuses when someone cheats on you (and their children) - you need to read this book, get your ducks in a row, FILE, and go no contact. Read this book and this sentence will suddenly make sense to you. There is no shame in divorce. There is only shame in staying in a marriage based on lies and cheating and raising your children to think that kind of behavior is acceptable. Thank you, Tracy.

I read this book many times during my divorce year. I can’t tell you how often it brought me back mentally and emotionally. Getting divorced is tough, especially if your ex-spouse is a lying narcissist. TCL outlines so many scenarios you will experience such as friends who ‘do not want to judge’ or play ‘Switzerland’ or stupid things your cheating spouse will say and do. More importantly, she helps you navigate your emotions and how handle what you actually control. This is a great book overall and a must read for anyone who was cheated on by a partner.

Anyone who has been cheated on.......needs to read this book!!

I have not been cheated on, but got a lot out of Chumplady's book. I've learned a lot about how to recognize unreasonable, entitled behavior, how to set boundaries, and how to laugh at or wrinkle my nose at actions of user people, instead of being broken by them. I'm also inspired by someone who has gone through the hell of being cheating on, went on to prosper, and yet invests a lot of energy and invigorating bad language to help people who are currently in the hell she used to know. Highly recommended for the clear analysis of being in the chump position, and the clear steps to take to get out of it. Also highly recommended for the sheer energy and fun of the writing.

This is the first review I've ever written on Amazon but felt the need to express how immensely helpful this book has been for me in trying to make some sense of my husband's poor choices. Tracy has a gift with communicating clearly, concisely and effectively. Often times I found myself laughing out loud. I've read so many books since my D-day in October, but this is the one that really helped me turn the corner. I just finished it Saturday and I'm reading it again already. I appreciated her direct, no-nonsense approach and it empowered me to know my worth. Buy this book. And if you happen to have a friend who is in this situation - buy them this book.

I survived infidelity from a woman who wasted four years of my life made me a glorified babysitter while she screwed everyone else in town and then married the drug dealing child she was cheating with after she disappeared from my life. This book saved my life and it will help you save your own if you're open to it. Loving kindness is a Buddhist trait but gaining apathy of the infidelity is the goal and helped me to survive. Bonus my cheater poisoned me trying to kill me so she wouldn't have to admit her crime to her family. Good job Weavers and Malloys and Krnetas! You are filthy people.

Rarely do I take the time to review a book. If you have been cheated on or have someone in your life that you love, who has been cheated on, get them this book! Seriously-order it now. Kindle is great-because you can get it instantly-but you are gonna want to thumb thru this with ease, and that's why I went for the print version. THANK YOU to the author Tracy Schorn for writing this book. It's already helping me and I only got it last night. Good solid points about what is happening, what I'm feeling-and what I need to know to start feeling better, and she cuts to the chase which I really appreciate.

This is an amazing book. I wish I had found her and her Chump Lady blog 3 years ago. Unless you have been through this, you will never understand this life altering experience. The bottom line of this book, is to give you the tools to take control of the only thing you can, yourself. I spent almost 3 years blaming myself for his actions. Reading this book and visiting her web blog everyday, gives me hope and on occasion a good chuckle. The fact that cheaters all read from the same playbook, was astounding. Blame the spouse for their crappy choices. I highly recommend this book for anyone who has been cheated on or wants to begin to understand the dynamics of being a chump. Thank you Tracy!

If you're looking for a book to help you get your mind straight, gain your confidence back, and start moving forward with YOUR life, THIS is your book. Forget all the others for right now and buy this one first.

I bought and read both the kindle version and print version of this book and highly recommend it to anyone who has endured the shock and devastation of discovering the infidelity of your spouse. Tracy takes a serious and difficult subject and, through her amazing observations and snarky comments, leads you to finally see the light. It's really not you or what you did or didn't do - it's them and their complete lack of empathy, care, concern, integrity, honesty and faithfulness. Between this book and daily time spent on chumplady.com I'm finally starting to leave those awful memories behind and find my life again. If you find yourself the victim of a cheating spouse, get this book and take it to heart!

This book is a LIFESAVER and required reading for anyone whose world has been turned upside down by a partner's betrayal. Even if you choose not to leave your cheater, this book offers a unique perspective that balances out the rest of the advice you'll find on the internet, in books, and in marriage counseling. In my case, the author put words to what my heart already knew but was shamed into not believing. The book also pointed me to the author's blog, which led me to other invaluable resources. What a gem.

Only a few books "get it". This one does along with "Runaway Husbands"

Tracy's no nonsense advice to anyone suffering from living with an unfaithful spouse addresses just about everything I've discussed with my therapist for the past 16 months. She has helped me laugh at myself as a chump, recognize my weaknesses, and to see how close I am to getting my life back. While I don't normally use profanity, her choice of words validate the intensity of anger and pain I have been feeling. I would recommend this book to anyone who has felt alone in their journey through the nightmare of betrayal - Tracy is your faithful travel partner!

This book is amazing! Been divorced 4 years from a cheater. I wished I knew about the book earlier. I recommend this to man or woman who had gone through the heartbreak of infidelity.

I’m eight months after D-day and am starting to feel better everyday. I wish I had found this book on day one. Even now it helped a lot. Much of it confirmed what I had already discovered on my own. A lot of it explained things that I thought I would never understand.

This is a book for all those chumps who fear leaving their emotionally abusive spouse or partner. It is a how to read on empowerment. A step by step process to gaining your life filled with humor, advice and understanding to the newly chumped. If only this book was around after my first cheating husband left me with two small children. I could have fixed my picker instead of choosing two more cheaters. It's all about setting boundaries and that fact that you are worthy of a reciprocal relationship with mutual respect. Buy it now. For those still eating "s*** sandwiches", Tracy Schorn will direct you to your path for "gaining a life".

Excellent book!! My ex cheated on me after 16 yrs..and I read this as a form of therapy!!Im gay or straight just saying...and my family can’t deal with it!!!..this got me thru it!! Read this book Awesome!!

Tracy's blog and book gave me the 'slap in the face' I needed to face the inevitable situation in my life - that my serial cheating husband would never change and would continue to use and abuse me for as long as I would continue to let him. I was not very knowledgeable when it came to personality disorders, manipulation, gas lighting, etc. and certainly didn't think my husband of 24 years would ever treat me this way. But when the therapist explained it to me, my disbelief led me to search the internet for whatever information I could find which is when I found her book and blog. This is lifesaving information that get me through some dark days and in to a much happier place.

My ex-husband cheated on me and then dumped me, a few years back. This book, and the Chumplady website, are full of practical, realistic, no-nonsense advice and stories that helped me pick myself up and get on with life. I emphasize the REAL. Chumplady does not deal in hopeful, obsessive reconciliation fantasies. It's about what cheaters really are, not what we wished they would be, and how to get your life and power back instead of remaining in an endless wash-and-wring cycle of false hope and wishful thinking. Now that I've reached the promised land of "meh," I hope I'll never have to read the book again.

This book is required reading for anyone who has been on the receiving end of infidelity. Schorn states that 'reconciliation is a unicorn'- wise words for those of us who thought our marriages were salvageable. The chapters on 'Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse' and 'What was Real? Does it Matter?' will help to dispell the myths of reconciliation and separate yourself from the self-defeating thought patterns that result from having the trust in your most intimate relationship completely obliterated. In the midst of so much misleading and counterproductive advice on reconciliation and "saving your marriage", this is the handbook for taking back your life and making the most of one of life's most awful and humiliating situations.

Get this book. I accepted blame shifting and completely misunderstood the narcissistic behavior of my cheater for years. I bought into the guilt and shame. This book was delightfully free of the standard reconciliation bs, and I felt my soul free a bit more with each chapter.

This book is a must have for anyone who has a cheating spouse- helps you gain perspective and move forward as you realize what ** the person who cheats really is.

Love that fact that this book tells you what you are feeling g is OK. You don't have to forgive or hide.

Highly recommended! Raw, honest, real. I felt validated, encouraged, and challenged. Thanks to the author for using her painful experiences to help others....like me. For truly telling it like it is with no sugar coating or tip toeing around tough issues. I have told both online support goups I am in about this book. If you're struggling after a divorce or know someone who is, you need this. It will become a favorite for sure!

Brutally honest but helps a lot. If your in denial, a definite read! I recommend this book to anyone wanting the truth and how to move on with the truth.

I am so grateful that this book has been published. Well written and easy to read, it sets the record straight and the mind at ease when you finally decide you cannot live with an adulterous, lying spouse any longer. The early days of contemplating divorce were gut wrenching. If you never thought this would happen to you, why would you have any skills or resources in dealing with the fallout of adultery? The author provides a framework for understanding, new vocabulary, and explanations for every thing I was experiencing. I was able to gain perspective, insight, and understanding from this book. I also learned to laugh again. This author is hilarious. So glad I bought it.

This author concisely sums up cheating and its realities on a marriage. She doesn’t sugar coat. Cheaters don’t change. Get out.

Oh how I wish I could have read this book on D-Day. I would have avoided sooo many chumpy mistakes because I would have listened, right? Maybe not. But it's almost worth going back in time and rescheduling D-Day to some future date so that I would be able to handle with strength and aplomb the sheer panic and utter agony of a selfish, entitled, narcissistic spouse having an affair whilst simultaneously denying having an affair. Almost. You won't like what you read here, especially if you're still in the "we can work this out" stage of chumpdom. But you will need it. And ultimately you will come to recognize it as truth.

This is a good book for those considering the divorce process from a cheater. Relevant information about your decisions after an affair are crucial for your emotional well-being after this devastating act.

After tiring of reading books on how to save my marriage I took a chance on this one. I finally gained the strength to leave a marriage where adultery was involved.

Why did it take me so long to find this book? Great book! Felt like I had my honest best friend coaching me through the process. I even laughed out loud at times....didn't think I would ever do that again. The treasure in this book for me is the honest and at times brutal way she jolts you out of your " but he/she will change" montra. THANK YOU for my new found emotional FREEDOM !!

I wish this book was around when my 31 year marriage imploded due to his cheating. I was sucker-punched, blindsided, stuck in my grief. Disbelief and trying to figure out exactly what my part in this was (that's what all the current divorce books touted) kept me on a treadmill of despair. I found Tracy's site online and it has been a life-saver - literally. Honest, funny, supportive - I can't recommend this book enough for anyone faced with the devastation of betrayal and all the associated crazy-making. She cuts through the psychological BS and tells it like it is with clarity, common sense and a clear action plan.

Best self-help book out there!! I've read it twice and have recommended it to my friends going through their divorce. Really not your average therapy book that ask you to gaze into your navel and contemplate where you went wrong. Tracy is your best friend that has gone through what you are going through picks you up, slaps you if you need it and you move on. There is no magic formula on how to survive your cheating ex but you can and will move on. My Tuesday is coming soon and I'm on my way to "meh".

I will not sugar coat this. This is the most important book of my life. It may seem like a cliché, but I assure you it is very real when I say Tracy saved my life. This book and her blog opened my eyes before I did something really stupid. I knew two men who did the stupid thing because their wives were cheating on them. Mental abuse is very real for men and women. This book will definitely help you see the reality of what is going on. It'll hurt like hell, but once you see clearly, you will never go back. This book may just save your life like it did mine.

I was waffling. Trying to be the picture of dignity and grace while he got his act together. A cheater cheats cause he can. It's about a sense of entitlement to break rules because he's a narcissist. He'll never get it because he CAN'T. It's an issue about character. A plain and simple character flaw. I was trying to figure out the situation by projecting my values when my values are NOT his. Cheaters lack a moral compass. IT'S A CHARACTER FLAW. Nothing to do with me. and character flaws cannot be "fixed".

A must read for those struggling with the aftermath of a cheating partner/spouse. This book will help you stay grounded as you ride the Entitled seas, pass Cake-eating island, jump over Self-blame mountains and land with feet firmly planted on the greener shores of "Meh". Practical and full of humor. This book is a refreshing antidote in our current cultural sea of cheater apologists like Esther Perel. Shore-up your dignity and strengthen your backbone, and realize that there is comfort in not being so unique, that cheaters really play by the same book and there is great strength in reaching out to a community of fellow chumps.

A lifesaver!! Tracy has been there, truly "gets it," and verbalizes all of the s**t we chumps are forced to navigate while keeping our life and dignity intact. I had just taken my first steps to extricate myself from this type of toxic relationship when a fellow-Chump hero directed me to Tracy's book and blog. Immediately I knew I wasn't alone -- quite to the contrary, I learned that these people work very much from the same playbook, and that when you understand what drives them and what drives us, the term 'chump' really is a badge of honor. Thanks a million to Tracy and to Chump Nation.

At a time when your whole world is literally falling to pieces, this book provides a very direct approach to understanding your situation and the steps you need to take to regain your good emotional health. So many infidelity resources seem strongly biased towards forgiveness and reconciliation, no matter how badly the victim has been treated. Tracy is one of the few lifelines out there who holds cheaters accountable for their own bad and unkind choices. Her advice in empowering and inspirational and much needed at a time when you've just been sucker punched. This book is your first step in regaining balance and learning to trust your instincts and protect your interests.

This book made me smile and it gave me hope during a very dark time in my life. That is the start I needed.

Discovered that your partner cheated/cheating? Instead of wallowing in despair and anger, get this book and read it immediately. Empowering and positive, this is exactly what I needed to hear in the thick fog of confusion and numbness following the "discovery". I devoured this book in a few nights. I've been keeping up with Tracy's blog posts on her website which are regular doses of no nonsense advice and support from the author and fellow chumps. Strength in numbers. You are not alone!

This is the most honest book I've read about infidelity. (and I've read a LOT of them!) This book is the one to pay attention to if you don't want to get lost in a swamp of blaming yourself for someone else's actions.

For the first time ever, finally someone someone understands that the person who is cheated on is not responsible for the cheating – – that the cheater is character disordered. This book is a breath of fresh air because it finally gives light to the truth of cheating: an entitlement fueled unilateral decision back by manipulation, gaslighting, deceit and lying. Tracy's direct and down to earth conversation styled book on how to pull yourself together and to boot the cheater out is a must read for anyone in a relationship with a cheater.

This book helped me realize I am not to blame for infidelity. It also made me realize I have been a chump, and how to avoid that in the future

I wish I'd known this book existed 5 months ago. It was mindblowing how many scenarios mirrored my own. In a time of loneliness reading this book brought me not only empowerment but also comfort. The straightforward talk is exactly what I needed. I would read anything and everything she writes from today forward. Thank you for giving me clarity so I too can gain a life!!!

I am six years out from my divorce and I have read countless books on the subject of infidelity. Reading "Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life" provided me with the clarification and logic, I so desperately needed to bring closure to this chapter of my life. Tracy Schorn's ability to pinpoint the mindset of a cheater is extremely helpful for a betrayed person's healing process. It's the final confirmation of "It really is the cheater with the issues!" you're looking for.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE Chump Lady!!! She was a Godsend in the early days after I discovered my husband cheating. Her blog is fabulous and I share it with anyone who is willing to listen. She has a heart of gold and a real passion for the chumped. If you've been cheated on, read this book and do what she says!!! The advice is really and applicable and helps to spur you into action when your world is crashing all around you. Stay strong and read this book! She's real, what she says is TRUE and you deserve better!