How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not To

I have been struggling with my husband's infidelity for 18 months now. This is round #2. Round #1 was physical infidelity 25 years ago when he was away for many months for work. I only learned of it when I was diagnosed with STDs several months later. Even then initially he denied it and suggested I was the unfaithful one. Round #2 is emotional infideltiy with a woman he works with. He refused to believe there was an issue with this 'friendship'. Two counselors told him it was an inappropriate relationship. Rather than end it he stopped seeing both counselors. It ended only after he found out this woman was also pursuing another married man in the building. Once I discovered her texts and photos and asked her why she was contacting my spouse nights, holidays and weekends, she escalated to driving up and down our street, shining her headlights into my home at night, calling the house, and increasing the numbers of texts and photos she sent to my husband. She went as far as taking mail I've sent him (a federal crime, yes I've opened an investigation with the postal inspector). Her attempts to demean me and destabilize our relationship were nothing short of a serious emotional disorder. Of course, it isn't entirely her fault. My husband was thoroughly enjoying the attention he was receiving and reciprocating until he realized what he had gotten himself into. With the help of an outstanding counselor, I'm putting my life back together, piece by piece. I thought so highly of this book I wrote the author to thank her. Learning that how I dealt with round #1 was unhealthy for me and having the author explain there are two different types of healthy forgiveness was a godsend. I was struggling with forgiveness and thought it wouldn't be possible for me. I now know I can do it and feel at peace about it. There are some critical reviews for suggesting the other partner may have some responsibility. Early on in my healing I would have been upset to have been told that. There is some truth to it though. In most cases if you're willing to honestly look at yourself and your faults, you may realize you made room for someone else, maybe not intentionally, but it was there nonetheless. For everyone out there dealing with this, you have my sympathy and understanding. It's not an easy road. If you had asked me a year ago if I was going to make it I would have responded with "I don't know". Today the answer is ABSOLUTELY! I've read many books. How Can I Forgive You was one of the most helpful for me. You can recover from this and be happy. Trust me.

This is a fantastic book. I recently separated from my husband after he physically abused me. I am not sure if I want to stay married or get a divorce, but regardless, I don't want this incident to poison my life for years to come. In addition to the physical abuse, there has been a lot of verbal and emotional abuse going on in this relationship for years. This escalated more after the birth of my now 2 year old child. I have been trying to forgive my husband for the way he has been treating me for years now, but it hasn't worked. My mother sent me a book on forgiveness, and I couldn't get through five pages of it. I've read articles online, and I couldn't stomach them either. They just seem so empty - "forgive and forget" is the popular mantra. "It will make you feel so much better!" people claim. I probably have an overdeveloped sense of justice, but it makes me feel dirty forgiving people who have done horrible things when they have done nothing to put them right. I'm just not okay with that. What is described in this book feels so much more complete and realistic to me. I can learn to ACCEPT what others have done to me so that bad experiences do not poison my life. Spring says this is your best option when the person who wronged you will not (or is not capable of) making amends. This usually goes along with taking steps to protect yourself because this person will likely harm you again (i.e. In my case I could accept what my husband did, but still get a divorce.) I can practice TRUE FORGIVENESS with a person who is truly making an effort to make amends. This does not mean everything has to go back to the way it was before (i.e. I could choose to stay with my husband or choose to get a divorce.) but this is the best option if the other person is willing to put out the effort and if you would like to have some sort of healthy relationship with them. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who needs to forgive (in some way, shape or form) but who cannot stomach the typical self-help forgiveness books; I think this book will be much more palatable to most people.

This is an excellent book, and will echo many of the sentiments of the positive reviews. While this book is mainly written for those looking to forgive and heal, if you are seeking forgiveness this will give you great insight into what that person you hurt is likely going to need from you. However, while I think this book is excellent, and unlike anything I've read regarding the topic of forgiveness, I think to fully grasp the content of this book there is some necessary prerequisite reading and exploration that is needed; at least I felt that way. Something that is glossed over in the book is understanding the general needs of your partner and being able look at life and situation through different lenses. If you don't have these skills I feel it would be incredibly difficult to take advantage of the lessons of this book unless you were getting something similar out of therapy etc. I'd recommend in this order before reading this: - 7 Habit of Highly Effective People - Difficult Conversations - His Needs, Her Needs Lastly, and the author states this, the examples in book mainly use the male as the offender. If you are a man reading this keep your objectivity and try to learn the lessons out of the example and not how it's sexist. Also, many of the examples are extreme, whether it's abuse or severe cheating. This might make you question how this book applies to you, as your offenses might pale greatly in comparison, however by the end of the book you will understand the the process is the same for achieving true forgiveness.

First of all I will start with the Author's disclaimer on page 10, that says "For the sake clarity... I speak of the hurt party as "she" and the offender as "he." Gender does not determine guilt, of course, but identifying each of you in this way makes for a more readable book." This is the only thing that attempts to address the heavy gender bias this decision forced upon an otherwise excellent work on forgiveness. Though it is clear why this decision was made, the basic thrust of the book in it's resulting form is basically a male-bashing book. If you are male and were seriously injured by a psychopathic, narcissistic *female* sociopath, you will need to basically rewrite it into the opposite format and change many of the examples in order to get the gems hidden behind the male-bashing garbage that was basically there only for supposed "convenience" and "readability". Also, having this book in circulation in it's current format is basically in it's whole male-bashing propaganda. Yes, great I get it... there it is clearly stated on page 10 why it's the way it is... but you know what... those key words lose their holding power in light of story after story about what "he" did. Isn't it a form of abuse to sexually violate someone 500 times, and then say "well I told you I was sorry"? In the same way, to perpetuate 500 offenses of labeling men as perpetrators and females as their victims while saying "I'm sorry I did it this way, the publishers made me do it so it would read better" is no different. One little I'm sorry while continuing 500 offenses is not setting a very good example. What I think would be a wonderful idea if instead the Author had put out a book, in pink labeled "for her" and another one in the pretty blue cover labeled "for him"... and that it would have been written as women as perpetrators. True, most men wouldn't pickup a self-help book like this, and you wouldn't print as many perhaps, but by doing so it would have been easier to read if you were the male victim of a female perpetrator... as I was. The other option - which I am sure the publishers considered - was to go with the gender-neutral approach... however I am sure that underlying the reason not to do this was due in large part to who by in large buys the books... women.. not men. This is why I give this book 1 star, and I would have given it zero stars but it wasn't an option. I basically have to go through and strike through all the "he did to her's" and substitute the opposite to get the value of the book... and that was hard... really hard. Otherwise, I would give this book five stars if it wasn't so painful to translate into a non-male-bashing edition.

I appreciate what Spring set out to accomplish with this book, but many of her arguments boil down to thin semantics. In her logic, the only way to not forgive and avoid "dysfunctional" behavior is through "acceptance." She explains that "acceptance" and "forgiveness" are different things. I don't believe they are. What I understand forgiveness to be is this: 1."Giving up" (getting back to the etymology of the word "forgive") the right to hate and escalating retribution (step 2 in Spring's "acceptance" process) and 2. Recognizing the humanity and fallibility of the other person (step 5 in Spring's "acceptance" process). As long as those two are covered, for me it's forgiveness. Spring can call it what she likes, but I disagree. You don't have to continue the relationship or absolve the guilt of the other person to forgive this way (which she points out, but for some unknown reason thinks this doesn't count as forgiveness). What she calls "genuine forgiveness" I would call rapprochement, or restoration of harmony. Contrary to Spring's concept, I believe that forgiveness does not need to be interrelational. The establishment of harmony, however, does. One may not choose to reconcile to the violator in the establishment of harmony, but you have allowed him to "make amends" and come to amiable terms with you (you can at least wish well for him). You may never trust him again, but you have released him of his debt. For me, the true gem of this book lies not in the chapters about healthy responses to offense, but in the chapters about the dysfunctional. Cheap forgiveness is a danger I never previously considered, and Spring offers compelling examples as well as powerful strategies to avoid such self-belittling impulses. I recommend the book, if only for this section. Also, don't listen to the reviewers complaining about the so-called "sexist" pronoun shorthand for victim and offender ("she" and "he," respectively). It makes the book very readable.

OUTSTANDING. I have been stuck trying to forgive my husband and as I read this book. This book warns against "cheap forgiveness" (sweeping the problem under the rug) and gets into the heart of how different types of people handle pain and anger, where it comes from and what to do about it. In this book I not only understood myself better but also my husband, my mother, children and others and how they handle their feelings. I have read numerous books and have even done some counseling in my earlier years and rarely get excited about a book. However, this is definitely one of the most helpful and on target books I have seen. It is well-written in that it is simple, straightforward and very easy to read. Many people in 12-step programs would benefit, and even more if they are not. You will likely find and understand yourself in this book as well as those you love, including the person/people who hurt you. This book will help you heal yourself and your current (and future) relationships, including with the person who hurt you, whether you decide to work things out with them or move on and let them go, I am buying additional copies of this one for my children. I was so confused and stuck and so glad I picked this up. I thank the authors for helping me find some peace during one of the most difficult and painful times in my life.

I have been a state court trial judge for almost 17 years, trying all types of felony cases, rape, capital murder,kidnapping, assault, arson you name it. In that time I have seem victims and victim's families trying to cope with horrible things that have been done to them. Often, the worst thing done to them is our Christian guilt trip that they are obliged to forgive the criminal that committed some terrible crime against them. 90% of the time, the criminal refuses to apologize, say he is sorry, or ask for forgiveness. I have seen families destroyed because they think they have to forgive some monster for killing their child. So a few years ago I discovered "How Can I Forgive You?" book and it made a lot of since. Some people do not want, ask, or deserve to be forgiven. I, as the judge, am not in the forgiveness business that is for God. So, I purchased some of these books and when my heart tells me (as it did today)that somebody is really is in pain over this, I give them this book. I hope it helps. A murder victim's son told me she had been trying to forgive the killer for 3 years but after reading this book she was at peace. I don't see a lot of peace in my profession but maybe in a small way this book has brought some people a little of it.

I am a big fan of Janis Abrams Spring's book on Recovering from Affairs, so I was thinking this book would be somewhat of a follow up, focusing on the forgiveness aspect of such affairs, so I was a bit disappointed to realize that the scope was much wider. I think there is a lot of valuable information in the book on types of forgiveness and relatable examples, but I would have prefered a more narrow scope. I think it's hard to cover everything from a small offense in a casual relationship to a traumatic offense in a close or long-term relationship in one book. I also didn't like her referring to the perpetrator as the male and victim as the female. While it might have been challenging to keep both people on either side of the coin gender neutral, I think it would be important to do so. That being said, I think she makes some excellent points about different responses people can have and/or work towards when facing forgiveness, which breaks away from past more rigid ideas, which is something everyone could benefit from.

On a really personal note, I was really trying to apply the "tool" of forgiveness to somethings that happened to me that were just unforgiveable acts. This book helped me to understand the ingredients of forgiveness and provided other options when all of those ingredients are not available. Do not let the title fool you. This is an amazing book laid out really simple concepts. The situations and concepts that did not apply to my situation, I was able to acknowledge and move on. It provided talking points with my therapist & I was able to move on from a lot of things that were road blocks to my healing. Hope this review is helpful.

As a Christian, this book has helped me expand and clarify what it means to truly forgive and be forgiven. It is a very practical "how-to" guide to the process of forgiveness. Although it is written from a psychological - not religious - perspective, I would strongly recommend it to any religious group that wants to do a thorough study of the topic. [I've used this book with two different study groups in my church.] Although the title implies that we have the freedom not to forgive, the book really does not contradict Biblical teaching. The author differentiates between "acceptance" and "genuine forgiveness". The author defines "genuine forgiveness" as reconciliation when both the victim and offender are working to restore a relationship. She says that we have the freedom not to forgive when reconciling is either not possible or likely to subject the victim to further harm. Her definition of "acceptance" allows healing without reconciling with the other person. Her definition of acceptance is fully compatible with the Christian concept of forgiveness. As companion study books, I would recommend Amish Grace by Kraybill, Nolt, & Weaver-Zercher, and Faith Questions – How Can I Forgive by Joretta Marshall.

I have been struggling with my husband's infidelity for 18 months now. This is round #2. Round #1 was physical infidelity 25 years ago when he was away for many months for work. I only learned of it when I was diagnosed with STDs several months later. Even then initially he denied it and suggested I was the unfaithful one. Round #2 is emotional infideltiy with a woman he works with. He refused to believe there was an issue with this 'friendship'. Two counselors told him it was an inappropriate relationship. Rather than end it he stopped seeing both counselors. It ended only after he found out this woman was also pursuing another married man in the building. Once I discovered her texts and photos and asked her why she was contacting my spouse nights, holidays and weekends, she escalated to driving up and down our street, shining her headlights into my home at night, calling the house, and increasing the numbers of texts and photos she sent to my husband. She went as far as taking mail I've sent him (a federal crime, yes I've opened an investigation with the postal inspector). Her attempts to demean me and destabilize our relationship were nothing short of a serious emotional disorder. Of course, it isn't entirely her fault. My husband was thoroughly enjoying the attention he was receiving and reciprocating until he realized what he had gotten himself into. With the help of an outstanding counselor, I'm putting my life back together, piece by piece. I thought so highly of this book I wrote the author to thank her. Learning that how I dealt with round #1 was unhealthy for me and having the author explain there are two different types of healthy forgiveness was a godsend. I was struggling with forgiveness and thought it wouldn't be possible for me. I now know I can do it and feel at peace about it. There are some critical reviews for suggesting the other partner may have some responsibility. Early on in my healing I would have been upset to have been told that. There is some truth to it though. In most cases if you're willing to honestly look at yourself and your faults, you may realize you made room for someone else, maybe not intentionally, but it was there nonetheless. For everyone out there dealing with this, you have my sympathy and understanding. It's not an easy road. If you had asked me a year ago if I was going to make it I would have responded with "I don't know". Today the answer is ABSOLUTELY! I've read many books. How Can I Forgive You was one of the most helpful for me. You can recover from this and be happy. Trust me.

This is a fantastic book. I recently separated from my husband after he physically abused me. I am not sure if I want to stay married or get a divorce, but regardless, I don't want this incident to poison my life for years to come. In addition to the physical abuse, there has been a lot of verbal and emotional abuse going on in this relationship for years. This escalated more after the birth of my now 2 year old child. I have been trying to forgive my husband for the way he has been treating me for years now, but it hasn't worked. My mother sent me a book on forgiveness, and I couldn't get through five pages of it. I've read articles online, and I couldn't stomach them either. They just seem so empty - "forgive and forget" is the popular mantra. "It will make you feel so much better!" people claim. I probably have an overdeveloped sense of justice, but it makes me feel dirty forgiving people who have done horrible things when they have done nothing to put them right. I'm just not okay with that. What is described in this book feels so much more complete and realistic to me. I can learn to ACCEPT what others have done to me so that bad experiences do not poison my life. Spring says this is your best option when the person who wronged you will not (or is not capable of) making amends. This usually goes along with taking steps to protect yourself because this person will likely harm you again (i.e. In my case I could accept what my husband did, but still get a divorce.) I can practice TRUE FORGIVENESS with a person who is truly making an effort to make amends. This does not mean everything has to go back to the way it was before (i.e. I could choose to stay with my husband or choose to get a divorce.) but this is the best option if the other person is willing to put out the effort and if you would like to have some sort of healthy relationship with them. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who needs to forgive (in some way, shape or form) but who cannot stomach the typical self-help forgiveness books; I think this book will be much more palatable to most people.

This is an excellent book, and will echo many of the sentiments of the positive reviews. While this book is mainly written for those looking to forgive and heal, if you are seeking forgiveness this will give you great insight into what that person you hurt is likely going to need from you. However, while I think this book is excellent, and unlike anything I've read regarding the topic of forgiveness, I think to fully grasp the content of this book there is some necessary prerequisite reading and exploration that is needed; at least I felt that way. Something that is glossed over in the book is understanding the general needs of your partner and being able look at life and situation through different lenses. If you don't have these skills I feel it would be incredibly difficult to take advantage of the lessons of this book unless you were getting something similar out of therapy etc. I'd recommend in this order before reading this: - 7 Habit of Highly Effective People - Difficult Conversations - His Needs, Her Needs Lastly, and the author states this, the examples in book mainly use the male as the offender. If you are a man reading this keep your objectivity and try to learn the lessons out of the example and not how it's sexist. Also, many of the examples are extreme, whether it's abuse or severe cheating. This might make you question how this book applies to you, as your offenses might pale greatly in comparison, however by the end of the book you will understand the the process is the same for achieving true forgiveness.

First of all I will start with the Author's disclaimer on page 10, that says "For the sake clarity... I speak of the hurt party as "she" and the offender as "he." Gender does not determine guilt, of course, but identifying each of you in this way makes for a more readable book." This is the only thing that attempts to address the heavy gender bias this decision forced upon an otherwise excellent work on forgiveness. Though it is clear why this decision was made, the basic thrust of the book in it's resulting form is basically a male-bashing book. If you are male and were seriously injured by a psychopathic, narcissistic *female* sociopath, you will need to basically rewrite it into the opposite format and change many of the examples in order to get the gems hidden behind the male-bashing garbage that was basically there only for supposed "convenience" and "readability". Also, having this book in circulation in it's current format is basically in it's whole male-bashing propaganda. Yes, great I get it... there it is clearly stated on page 10 why it's the way it is... but you know what... those key words lose their holding power in light of story after story about what "he" did. Isn't it a form of abuse to sexually violate someone 500 times, and then say "well I told you I was sorry"? In the same way, to perpetuate 500 offenses of labeling men as perpetrators and females as their victims while saying "I'm sorry I did it this way, the publishers made me do it so it would read better" is no different. One little I'm sorry while continuing 500 offenses is not setting a very good example. What I think would be a wonderful idea if instead the Author had put out a book, in pink labeled "for her" and another one in the pretty blue cover labeled "for him"... and that it would have been written as women as perpetrators. True, most men wouldn't pickup a self-help book like this, and you wouldn't print as many perhaps, but by doing so it would have been easier to read if you were the male victim of a female perpetrator... as I was. The other option - which I am sure the publishers considered - was to go with the gender-neutral approach... however I am sure that underlying the reason not to do this was due in large part to who by in large buys the books... women.. not men. This is why I give this book 1 star, and I would have given it zero stars but it wasn't an option. I basically have to go through and strike through all the "he did to her's" and substitute the opposite to get the value of the book... and that was hard... really hard. Otherwise, I would give this book five stars if it wasn't so painful to translate into a non-male-bashing edition.

I appreciate what Spring set out to accomplish with this book, but many of her arguments boil down to thin semantics. In her logic, the only way to not forgive and avoid "dysfunctional" behavior is through "acceptance." She explains that "acceptance" and "forgiveness" are different things. I don't believe they are. What I understand forgiveness to be is this: 1."Giving up" (getting back to the etymology of the word "forgive") the right to hate and escalating retribution (step 2 in Spring's "acceptance" process) and 2. Recognizing the humanity and fallibility of the other person (step 5 in Spring's "acceptance" process). As long as those two are covered, for me it's forgiveness. Spring can call it what she likes, but I disagree. You don't have to continue the relationship or absolve the guilt of the other person to forgive this way (which she points out, but for some unknown reason thinks this doesn't count as forgiveness). What she calls "genuine forgiveness" I would call rapprochement, or restoration of harmony. Contrary to Spring's concept, I believe that forgiveness does not need to be interrelational. The establishment of harmony, however, does. One may not choose to reconcile to the violator in the establishment of harmony, but you have allowed him to "make amends" and come to amiable terms with you (you can at least wish well for him). You may never trust him again, but you have released him of his debt. For me, the true gem of this book lies not in the chapters about healthy responses to offense, but in the chapters about the dysfunctional. Cheap forgiveness is a danger I never previously considered, and Spring offers compelling examples as well as powerful strategies to avoid such self-belittling impulses. I recommend the book, if only for this section. Also, don't listen to the reviewers complaining about the so-called "sexist" pronoun shorthand for victim and offender ("she" and "he," respectively). It makes the book very readable.

OUTSTANDING. I have been stuck trying to forgive my husband and as I read this book. This book warns against "cheap forgiveness" (sweeping the problem under the rug) and gets into the heart of how different types of people handle pain and anger, where it comes from and what to do about it. In this book I not only understood myself better but also my husband, my mother, children and others and how they handle their feelings. I have read numerous books and have even done some counseling in my earlier years and rarely get excited about a book. However, this is definitely one of the most helpful and on target books I have seen. It is well-written in that it is simple, straightforward and very easy to read. Many people in 12-step programs would benefit, and even more if they are not. You will likely find and understand yourself in this book as well as those you love, including the person/people who hurt you. This book will help you heal yourself and your current (and future) relationships, including with the person who hurt you, whether you decide to work things out with them or move on and let them go, I am buying additional copies of this one for my children. I was so confused and stuck and so glad I picked this up. I thank the authors for helping me find some peace during one of the most difficult and painful times in my life.

I have been a state court trial judge for almost 17 years, trying all types of felony cases, rape, capital murder,kidnapping, assault, arson you name it. In that time I have seem victims and victim's families trying to cope with horrible things that have been done to them. Often, the worst thing done to them is our Christian guilt trip that they are obliged to forgive the criminal that committed some terrible crime against them. 90% of the time, the criminal refuses to apologize, say he is sorry, or ask for forgiveness. I have seen families destroyed because they think they have to forgive some monster for killing their child. So a few years ago I discovered "How Can I Forgive You?" book and it made a lot of since. Some people do not want, ask, or deserve to be forgiven. I, as the judge, am not in the forgiveness business that is for God. So, I purchased some of these books and when my heart tells me (as it did today)that somebody is really is in pain over this, I give them this book. I hope it helps. A murder victim's son told me she had been trying to forgive the killer for 3 years but after reading this book she was at peace. I don't see a lot of peace in my profession but maybe in a small way this book has brought some people a little of it.

I am a big fan of Janis Abrams Spring's book on Recovering from Affairs, so I was thinking this book would be somewhat of a follow up, focusing on the forgiveness aspect of such affairs, so I was a bit disappointed to realize that the scope was much wider. I think there is a lot of valuable information in the book on types of forgiveness and relatable examples, but I would have prefered a more narrow scope. I think it's hard to cover everything from a small offense in a casual relationship to a traumatic offense in a close or long-term relationship in one book. I also didn't like her referring to the perpetrator as the male and victim as the female. While it might have been challenging to keep both people on either side of the coin gender neutral, I think it would be important to do so. That being said, I think she makes some excellent points about different responses people can have and/or work towards when facing forgiveness, which breaks away from past more rigid ideas, which is something everyone could benefit from.

On a really personal note, I was really trying to apply the "tool" of forgiveness to somethings that happened to me that were just unforgiveable acts. This book helped me to understand the ingredients of forgiveness and provided other options when all of those ingredients are not available. Do not let the title fool you. This is an amazing book laid out really simple concepts. The situations and concepts that did not apply to my situation, I was able to acknowledge and move on. It provided talking points with my therapist & I was able to move on from a lot of things that were road blocks to my healing. Hope this review is helpful.

As a Christian, this book has helped me expand and clarify what it means to truly forgive and be forgiven. It is a very practical "how-to" guide to the process of forgiveness. Although it is written from a psychological - not religious - perspective, I would strongly recommend it to any religious group that wants to do a thorough study of the topic. [I've used this book with two different study groups in my church.] Although the title implies that we have the freedom not to forgive, the book really does not contradict Biblical teaching. The author differentiates between "acceptance" and "genuine forgiveness". The author defines "genuine forgiveness" as reconciliation when both the victim and offender are working to restore a relationship. She says that we have the freedom not to forgive when reconciling is either not possible or likely to subject the victim to further harm. Her definition of "acceptance" allows healing without reconciling with the other person. Her definition of acceptance is fully compatible with the Christian concept of forgiveness. As companion study books, I would recommend Amish Grace by Kraybill, Nolt, & Weaver-Zercher, and Faith Questions – How Can I Forgive by Joretta Marshall.

For a person who is struggling to come to terms with the aftermath of adultery, divorce and the subsequent marriage of the ex-spouse to his affair partner, this book has been a great help. How do you forgive someone who has hurt you and your child so badly? And who still insists that everything is still your fault? According to Janis, you can choose not to forgive but to accept and come to terms. I am glad to be able to know that it is not a dichotomy between forgiveness and unforgiveness.

Other reviews can tell you about the content of the book. I am simply here to say that this book is more precious to me than silver and gold. If you are struggling, carrying a heavy load of anger or resentment - read this book! Likewise, if you are the one who needs forgiveness - read this book! Do whatever you need to do to get a copy. Read it, mark it up, read it again, refer back to it. I love this book for how it has helped me, and I am so grateful to the author for it.

This book is truly one of the most helpful books I have ever read. My husband had an affair with a friend of mine and we are in the midst of much counseling, etc. I need help with the forgiveness part--both for my husband and my friend. The book speaks about forgiveness choices...Cheap Forgiveness, Refusing to Forgive, Acceptance and Genuine Forgiveness. Because my friend will not take responsibility for her part in the affair, I can deal with it by "Accepting" not her behavior, but the fact that it happened and go on with my life without so much anger. My husband and I are working towad Genuine Forgiveness, NOT Cheap Forgiveness which would ultimately get us no where in trusting one another. Dr. Spring gives precise guidelines to work with using knowledge from her clinical work. This is not just a self-help book. It's real help for people who are truly hurting. Thanks so much.

I think this was an important book to read that shared a message many need to hear. It is perfectly okay not to forgive someone. Forgiveness or lack there-of doesn't make a person better or worse. It isn't a virtue. Forgiveness is something that can be earned in some instances, but only when appropriate. In other instances, acceptance is more appropriate. Acceptance meaning simply coming to terms with what 'is' and doing what is best for oneself. It requires no participation of the offender. Ultimately, doing what is best for oneself is where the healing comes in. This book was a great read, and really gave be an important perspective I hadn't considered before.

I'm not usually impressed by self-help books. This one is better than most. The author recognizes that forgiveness is not always an option, and sensibly suggests that acceptance is nevertheless a possibility. But in discussing forgiveness, the author's examples are all pretty clear cut. The father who abandoned or abused his child, the husband who broke up the marriage with an affair. In life, it's not always clear who owes whom an apology or for what offense. And a great deal of space is given to apologies so well-scripted they belong in the movies, not real life. Very little space is given to instances where apologies -- or requests for apology -- are simply ignored. Too bad. Author seems more sensitive to nuance than most, but doesn't come through.

This book contains a ton of helpful and insightful information. It is an easy read and applies to most relationships whether you are just starting, building or, as it is written for, trying to rebuild or just to move forward. Forgiveness is not always between two sides, sometimes it is much harder to accept your hurts and be free when the person who hurt you really has no plans for helping you forgive. Often, the hardest person to forgive is yourself. This book has started helping me to do all of tthese things and to lead my family to forgiveness, acceptance or whatever reconciliation our future holds. I highly recommend giving it a try!

Good book. Not everything applied to my situation, but it did a good job in regards to helping me se outside the box. I hope anyone in this situation has a great support team. It is a rough time and I feel for you. It is not your fault that your partner has the inability to stay committed. Hang in there. Life is crazy, but hold on.

Spring writes how the betrayed spouse needs to confess all of the many ways she 'caused the affair', because the husband was swept away by his emotions and "couldn't help it. " And then the betrayed spouse needs to write a letter asking the betrayer for forgiveness. If the betrayed spouse isn't humiliated enough, Spring will add to her shame by reminding her how she 'caused' the affair. There are some helpful parts concerning the betrayer's need to make reparations, but I could not get past her blame shifting onto the betrayed spouse. The husband sleeps with the babysitter, and it's the wife's fault? Really? He's not responsible to talk to his wife, or just pack your stuff and go? Infidelity is never a valid answer, and the betrayed spouse has enough to deal with without having to write a letter of apology to the betrayer. I’m sure the betrayed spouse is self-esteem is already at rock bottom, and now she has to grovel with all the ways she help caused the affair? Please! Spring's lack of sensitivity reminds me of her ending of After the Affair, when she compares building a new marriage to her trials and tribulations with her new waffle maker. It’s clear that she has never personally suffered a betrayal, or she wouldn’t write such a blameshifting book!

This book made me realize I need counseling... my problems were too severe. If you have a relationship issue that involves a one night stand, stripper/escort, short affair... this book will probably help put some things into perspective. It didn't save my relationship after he cheated but I would recommend it as a starting point.

Easy to read. Good examples. I get a little lost in the concepts and then how to apply it to real life. Also not as helpful as I thought in terms of making peace with someone who has died.

This book as recommended to me by a friend and I’m so glad she did. It’s helped me process a lot of stuff and understand the difference between forgiving and accepting stuff just because you rather “not get into it”

An outstanding, well organized, easy to understand book written with depth, emotional intelligence that takes the reader through a journey of self-reflection. It dissects forgiveness and acceptance and covers the action steps in the process. It should be read more than once. I will. The one thing I would have preferred is a more gender neutral approach using "one" rather than him in general discussions rather and in examples making the man the one that always needed forgiveness and was profiled as having affairs much more than women. However overall one of the most influential self improvement books I have read.

This book is so good that I immediately ordered another copy to share. It provides another point of view when dealing with difficult to forgive interpersonal relationships. It seems to understand and relate the a person's difficulty when dealing with unapologetic difficult people. Rather than making the reader feel guilty for struggling with forgiveness it is a compassionate and understanding point of view - like I said I have already purchased another copy to share.

The content of this book is not geared toward just you forgiving another person, it guides you through the process of exploring compassion and forgiveness for yourself. It is not just about forgiving infidelity; it demonstrates that every kind of relationship that you can think of can produce scenarios that need forgiveness. For example, siblings, parent and child, best friends, in laws, and of course spouses (and not just infidelity). This is an excellent reference book.

Janis dispels the hideous notion that someone "owes" someone else forgiveness. This is a false belief on the part of many people that simply encourages the violator to continue bad behavior. I gives clear steps on how to evaluate a hurt from the victim and perpetrator sides and how situations can be really mended. It will require work but it is so much better than the "sure I forgive you, no problem" lie that many people are forced to believe is the only way to respond to deep wounds.

Have bought it before. As a psychologist I highly recommend it

This self help book has impacted my life more that any other I have ever read, which are too many to count. Written by a Therapist using real cases, names changed of course, and possible resolutions to just about any conflict in your life. Must have an open mind and realize that you may not get the outcome you want from a relationship with issues. However, what you do learn is acceptance and the ability to move on without regret. Very empowering book.

Life-changing book. Absolutely wonderful explanation of "cheap" forgiveness (one-sided) and "genuine" forgiveness (takes both parties working to understand what happened). Geared toward the aftermath of an affair, however, works for other situations. Well worth reading.

We often think we must forgive even though the other party has made no offer to repent. This book describes different types of forgiveness and how forgiving too quickly actually is more harmful for the injured party. This book is a must read for all who have been abused or betrayed in any way. It guides one to an acceptance or a forgiveness and explains how one must find peace in being harmed.

This book is a must read for anyone trying to move past a relationship injury. It should be read by both the injured party as well as the person who caused the injury. The author clearly defines the type of forgiveness that must take place in order for healing to begin.

Very helpful book for both parties. Especially helpful for the betrayed partner to evaluate your feelings and what solution will work for you.

This book is not bad. But if you are are looking for an inspirational influential research on forgiveness I strongly recommend the "Forgive for Good" by Fred Luskin.

I found the information, perspectives, and guidelines in this book to be enormously helpful... and actually quite liberating. It's such a relief to realize that, (although our culture has worked against us in this respect,) we DO have choices in the forgiveness realm! I have already loaned my copy to two other friends who were also interested in this subject.

Down to earth advice

How can one honestly say they love a book about adultery. Let's face it, only those who have to live through the horrors of infidelity have the need to pick up this book. For those who do, this is a very good book, one that it highly recommended by those who have had to live through their spouses affairs.

I’m not a fan of forgiving someone who isn’t sorry. This book is for a doormat who has lost themselves. No one gets points for that in life. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. A better concept would be to learn to set boundaries and know what your dealbreakers are.

Phenomenal book!!!! I felt like the author wrote this book specifically for me, and was speaking directly to me. She has a straight-forward, no-nonsense approach to the topic of forgiveness, and I really appreciated what she has to say. A VERY GOOD read!

"Cheap forgiveness" is such an important concept to understand. It doesn't allow for real healing whereas coming to either a place of understanding or being able to authentically forgive is the key.

This has been informative, and has given me much to reflect upon in my own life. Not just my husbands affair, but my childhood , his childhood, and our history.

This book is very practical yet inspirational for people struggling with forgiveness. It gives the hope we needed for possible healing and reconciliation. The essence of this book is about human care and connection. To reach true Forgiveness needs both offender and the one offended's effort.

This is the best book. It has helped tremendously to repair my relationship and help me heal my heart. I would highly highly suggest to anyone who is struggling with forgiveness and dealing with their emotions and pain.

This book was recommended by a counselor. Both my husband and I read it. While it did not restore our marriage over night, it has helped us make progress toward healing. And now, I recommend it for you. I will be reading it again.

Yes, it was forced on her by a psychiatrist. But it is well put together, and she reads it for its' value. I think the writer did a great job putting it together. Try to see their perspective though. It rings true.

Extremely practical and hands-on advice for those working on saving a relationship. A section of her book just gave me the a-ha moment I needed to leave, but there's help for couples where both people are willing to work on the relationship.

Great book

Yes it did. Don't do it!

Great book help understand the concept of forgiveness and move in the right direction to let go

I think this book is great for absolutely anyone, it helps you understand so much about yourself and how you can be a more understanding person.

What can I say, it is a comprehensive understanding of forgiveness. Additionally, it stresses it is OK not to fully forgive, and that it is a 2 way street

My husband has a sex addiction. I tried everything to get him to understand my pain and the shattering of our family because of his addiction. I finally think he is getting it because of this book! Wonderful! Couldn't be happier!

I love the choice to forgive....read it!!

Just got it. Haven't read through it but LOVE the concept that total forgiveness is not always necessary or appropriate. This is something I've struggled with for years. Anxious to read it all.

Its ok. Not the best.

A practical, real world examination of the issues confronting those who have been betrayed. Unlike other self help books on these issues, this work does not indulge in 'touchy-feely', feel good, political correctness, but , rather allows the reader multiple solutions.

Good book! Very helpful.

This was a very insightful and instructive way to forgive. It provides a unique view of forgiveness and allows the hurt party to determine what is best for them.

A painfully helpful read for the betrayer and the betrayed.

I love this book it was very informative. As a therapist I use this book to help my clients it teaches valuable techniques to use in order to forgive and move on.

Thanks!

I got this in hopes it would help a friend who was struggling. She said it was a good book at the right time.

listed as good "light damage to cover" but I received it with cover, razor sliced, penetrating through first 6 pages.

Read this book in its entirety. It evokes deep thought & emotion and allows one to clearly grasp and understand the concept of forgiveness and choosing to forgive.

This is a well written book with helpful information and relative stories. Anyone who has experienced betrayal, infidelity, slander, or any other type of hurt can benefit from this book.

Offers sensible options for people that find themselves in a love triangle that threatens their very existence. Lots on various blogs but this is the real thing

This book was very helpful to me after a difficult time in my life. The chapter on acceptance gave me the best information to help me deal with my situation.

Wonderful book. Really helped me through a rough time in my life.

I bought this book because my husband had an affair. I am sure it would be helpful for some. However, it just didn't work for me. The read was dull. It was just filled with zo many stories and examples, it felt all over the place! Sort of like a text book of forgiveness, facts and examples but no heart to it. Didn't help me, at least not for my situation.

THis book is sexist, in that, it portrays that "seemly" only men cheat! Well, in my life, it's the opposite!

Got this for my daughter, she says it has been helpful.

This book spoke to me leaps and bounds. Really she'd light on myself and the problems between my partner and I.

This book initially claims that to move on you don’t necessarily need to forgive, that moving forward as is is OK. But you’re soon criticized and belittled for not forgiving. Obviously written by someone who’s never been really wronged.

very good...it had clear and consise suggestions for healing and ways to continue and move forward! I highly recommend this for those who are hurting!

This book was needed for a test for my professional license. It arrived very quickly in great condition and was just what I needed.

Well written. Easy and valuable read.

Bought as a gift - still waiting to hear from person.

Hard to read, and I realize given the subject the read would be a little dry, but it's so dry it doesn't even put me to sleep! I just keep staring at the words wondering why did I ever make this purchase!

My marriage counselor suggested I get this book. It is helped me in many different relationships in this life

Extacly what I was looking for. I would reccomend for anyone going through a period where one has been betrayed. Provokes a lot of thought.

Very helpful book for someone who wants a realistic view of the "forgiveness" process. You are not alone with your "crazy" feelings.

I wish I could have read this book years ago. It is honest and it provides information that can be applied immediately.

Gave me a lot of insight

I love this book. Janice Spring is such a great writer and relates so easily.

This book was a drag. The context was boring and outdated. I didn't appreciate the information it contained and would not have purchased it if I had known that all it would keep referring back to was infidelity. I was hoping for a little less bias.

Helps you get through the tough times. Got it and it helps some of the things I am dealing with.

Very easy way to try approach forgiveness and degrees of forgiveness in the real world

It was a very comforting read for a marital problem. Both of us read it and we are doing much better

an unconventional no bones about it b ook. loved it

great book, if you're Christian

Book is well written and deals with the subject of forgiveness in some new ways. Great for those tough situations which require forgiveness.

This would be a great book for someone that has cheated on their wife or husband or boyfriend or girlfriend or significant other. I was actually looking for something a little bit different that's why I only gave it one star.

An excellent book--I recommend to all of my clients dealing with the aftermath of affairs.

Great book for someone who has been hurt deply by someone they love

This book is very well written and has been a wonderful help to me. I find myself rereading sections when I find myself in a particular situation. This book would be good for anyone going through trust issues.

Just not believable. Anecdotal of various situations but no in depth understanding forgiveness. Its just a bunch of stories with very shallow interpretations.

poor quality sound

Loved this book. Very well written and very insightful.

This is a great book on learning to deal with affairs in a marriage. My children are using the book to deal with their mothers deceptions etc.

My patients found this book helpful and practical.

Keep reading this one again and again.

great product, speedy delivery

Still reading it

Helpful.

This is an excellent book to recommend to people who have been in this position and need help navigating the process.

very helpful

i read it

Great

Perfect!

I had read Dr. Spring's book, After the Affair, several years ago and found it to be a wealth of useful information, research and interventions for those who have suffered infidelity. This book was recommended to me by a trusted colleague and, as it addressed an area that is a part of many (most) issues I see in my clinical practice, I hurried to read it. I was disappointed in the book until I realized Dr. Spring's use of "forgiveness" was given a much broader definition than the one I generally use. After I understood her perspective, I found this book to be well worth the time and effort invested in my reading it and it will be referenced often in my work and as "assigned" (as if any of my clients actually read anything I assign) to those with whom I sit who might benefit from its information. Part one of the book, "Cheap Forgiveness," is not forgiveness, it is avoidance. The offended does not seek healthy ways of being freed from the injury and "cuts off" contact with the offender or does not value her/himself in the relationship enough to hold accountable those responsible for the hurt. Dr. Spring sees this action as doing more to bind the injured to the offender than resolve the conflict, does nothing to deepen the relationship or individuate either party. Part two, "Refusing to Forgive," is not forgiveness, either according to the author. From my perspective, this occurs when the relationship is unbalanced to the point where both parties feel they must resort to being "victimized" to restore "balance" to said relationship. Dr. Spring identifies this action solidifies the injured (whether the injury is real or imagined) in "hate" and keeps the individual "stuck" at the place of hurt. Part three, "Acceptance," according to Dr. Spring, is not forgiveness but it is close. This is the realization that the offender will not change, take responsibility for the injury and/or acknowledge that an injury occurred but the offended wants/needs to remain in relationship with the offender. The offended does not "forgive," but accepts the relationship as it is and will hold that relationship at a safe distance. I agree with Dr. Spring that acceptance is an intricate part of forgiveness. Part four, "Genuine Forgiveness," once again according to the author, is a process in which both the injured and injurer must work together to obtain the goal of forgiveness. For Dr. Spring, genuine forgiveness includes, and is incomplete without: restitution, atonement and reconciliation. In Dr. Spring's scheme, forgiveness must be "earned," it cannot be given by the offended without direct, intense contact with the offender. There is much positive in this work with some major distractions for me. The first was her insistence of exclusively using the masculine gender in describing the offender and the feminine when speaking of the victim. Her case studies are not gender specific but that does not diminish the stereotype suggested by the use of this literary devise. Secondly, Dr. Spring can be a little heavy handed in seeking to validate her paradigm. Frequently she speaks to possible oppositional points of view in such a way as to invalidate arguments without the opposing view being more completely represented. Thirdly, Dr. Spring sees that ANY offense, in order to be forgiven, must be admitted by the "offender," even if the offender does not recall its occurrence or if there as any offense to be had. I hope Dr. Spring's insistence on this point is more toward the opening of dialogue rather than requiring admission of guilt where none is felt or merited. Overall, the book will be of tremendous help to those who need help in moving beyond the pain they have suffered from offenses that seem to be intractable. The processes she suggests, case studies presented and the research she presents can all be helpful in aiding the reader toward a healthier life and relationships.

I rec'd the correct edition of the book and it arrived more promptly than I expected.

The best part of this book are the last pages where everything is explained with details, how to understand the different personalities that had came across your life. I learned how to understand my ex partners, may be if l had this book back then, l would've been a better partner to them. Well, this life is a learning journey, l am glad l can still make changes with myself, and also treat people better.

Having just emerged from a Kafkaesque nightmare where I was harassed, slandered and chased out of an intentional community by a sociopathic bully, Dr. Spring's insights are a balm to a tender soul. Having been the target of overt campaign of "shaming, shunning and ostracization" I struggled with many conflicting feelings. The injustice fed into fury and I plummeted into a spiralling anger, resentfulness and obsessional thinking. I resisted the facile advice of letting go or forgiving the offender. If only I could bring this man to justice, then I would feel better. When I heard Dr. Spring interviewed on NPR by Diane Rehm I recognized that my desire to "out" my offender would never lead to liberation and healing. I was entrapped in the quicksand of self-isolation and negativity. After reading this book I was able to reconnect with my "inner goodness" and come to that place of "Radical Acceptance." I suspect that I will always feel some pain around this incident in my life, however, by embracing acceptance and the grief this process evokes, I am free to move on and persevere with the aspects of life that nourish me. I will never allow anyone intervene between my heart and my inner goodness. For anyone who has been harmed intentionally or unconsciously by an abuser, bully or offender, this work is manna to the soul.

I bought the audiobook version because I had a situation with my partner in which I was feeling really hurt and wanted to start accepting our situation and forgiving him faster (it happened last week). The first few chapters are super brutal and ask you if you are a narcissist and say some pretty inflammatory things. I mean I understand that sometimes the person who's hurting also had a hand in the situation, but sometimes they don't. She brings up a lot of children who were abused by their parents and I personally do not think they did anything wrong. Anyway, she also says other stuff like if you're obsessing about the harm that was caused to you, maybe you should get on medication to slow down your obsessive thoughts? What? Why aren't there other alternatives being advocated as well? Like going to a therapist, or journaling, or meditating, or something. I just couldn't listen to this book anymore. I'm 1/3 of the way through and there have been no solutions, no validating your feelings, no niceness. It's just like a battering of you as a person and it's super alarming. I have NO clue how so many people endorse this book. Like I bought it because I saw so many good reviews and I was excited to have tools to deal with my anger and move towards a more spiritual and balanced perspective but all I've gotten from it is that I suck and maybe everything he did was actually my fault. It's also extremely redundant and goes on and on about how acceptance is a much better path than vengeance, like ok, great, give me the tools to get there. I am not a vengeful person, but if you are, then maybe this book is for you because she talks about it a lot. I just could not relate to this book at all. Like my partner and I have open communication, we're nice to each other, and working on ourselves and our relationship. I love him and I'm happy with him, but he hurt me, and I just wanted to speed up my forgiveness and get to a place where I can trust him again. If you relate to this, then this is not the book for you.

Didn't fix my relationship but that's my personal issue.. the book is a good read and might help a lot of people... unless your issues run as deeply as mine did and continued to... somethings are just not fixable due to the other party continually screwing up, but if both sides are really working to fix... I think this book would be a nice little bit of extra help in repairing damage in a relationship.

It’s ok

Barely made it through the first two chapters. Spring states that Christian forgiveness is immoral. (This is a large assertion to breeze over in the first few pages). Listening to the next chapter, it became apparent the author does not know the difference between forgiveness and accepting negative behaviors. I usually find redeeming value in books. This book is an exception. Spring comes off as sanctimonious rather than therapeutic. I can’t stomach the rest of the book and am counting it as a small financial loss.

My husband had an affair with the same woman two times. Once 38 years ago and then again last year. I have read four books on what to do after the affair is over but they didn't touch too much on forgiveness. I am still having a very hard time forgiving him after being together 42 years but this book helped tremendously. This book makes you look at yourself and your mate to try to understand why they did what they did.

This book has proven to be the key to what I hope is ultimate forgiveness for what I have done to my wife.

The title says it all. "The Courage to Forgive" intimates that only cowardice prevents a betrayed spouse from remaining in a relationship marred by infidelity. "The Freedom No To" portion of the title does not eliminate this subtext, rather it is reinforced by the trite juxtaposition of the two phrases.

I have read a few books about this subject, because I suffered much pain. yes, I am a true Christian and I know as an earlier person stated, it is our true morale duty to forgive. I read another book similar to this the last time I had the need to truly forgive that was based soley on Christian principles. I am a seroius idealistic person and very much agree with the principles of that one, but this hurt this time I was really angry amd this book taught me that was ok. in the end it helped me to go back to the first book and forgive freely, however the real life examples here make me feel more of a "normal" imperfect human and allowed me to be ok with being mad until I was ready for my ultimate step to forgiveness. Bravo, a great tool that was well written. I thank you.

Liberating. This book is an investment in your own healing.

The book helps to show you how to release the pain for your own good. It is not easy to forgive someone close to you who has hurt you. This book provides exercises and tips on how you can do it and free yourself in the process. This is a must read if you want to get your life back.

This book challenges some common cultural messages about forgiving and forgiveness and shows they are not helpful. Alternative ways of looking at forgiveness are thoroughly explored, including the freedom to withhold forgiveness, and several middle-grounds between grudge-holding and total forgiveness. The message is empowering--showing that no matter how you have been wronged, you can choose freedom from obsessive thoughts and persistent anger.

As a professional counselor, I am always looking for books that will help my patients in their progress. This is one of the best works I have found on forgiveness. Almost everyone agrees that forgivness is healing, and this book explores acceptance without forgiveness as well as other choices.

Absolutely wonderful. I'd recommend this to anyone who is human. (Yes, that would be to everyone.) Chock full of wonderful information, poignant case-in-points, and the appendix is an excellent resource all on its own.

Forgiveness is not always as easy as some would like to think. For those who have been victims of a deep hurt, this book provides insight and a way forward without platitudes and simple panaceas. Through personal experience, I've learned that forgiveness is a process, and that responses to injury are more varied than simply "forgive" and "not forgive." Spring proposes that there are four possible responses, two of which are healthy, and two of which are not. She describes each response in great detail, its benefits and harms, and gives both victims and offenders a road map toward Genuine Forgiveness.

Dealing with betrayal, this book popped off the shelf at me. I read it quickly and almost couldn't put it down. The author writes wonderfully, using case studies to illustrate her points. Her thoughts are well constructed and truly helped me to find myself and to find a way to live with all the hurt I had in my life. I highly recommend this book.

My husband and I have been counseled by Dr. Spring for over a year and we have also read both of her books. She has expertly guided us through the process of healing our marriage and we have grown closer than we have ever been in thirteen years. Her books are an excellent resource. After reading "After the Affair" I was prompted to contact her. I would highly recommend her first book and "How Can I Forgive You" to anyone struggling with infidelity issues. She is logical, rational, and understanding of both partners' issues. These are skills that she effectively utilizes in therapy with us. She keeps us focused and reminds us that our united goal is to make repairs in our marriage.

There's considerable thought put into this book. It puts many current and widely acknowledged ideas on their heads with reasoning anyone can understand. If you're struggling with relationship issues, this book is for you.

The author does an exceptional job because she... 1. Provides a clear outline of her approach to forgiveness 2. Uses frameworks that categorize information for easier understanding 3. Creates a structure that is easily deconstructed into smaller pieces for quick comprehension of her points 4. Portrays clearly her 4 modes of forgiveness and how they are impacted across a spectrum of feelings and situations This is a well organized, practical book.